A Minecraft Movie - Why Writing Truly Matters

I have stated that I am a huge fan of Tenacious D. I love that movie, The Pick of Destiny, and I have bought all of their mainline albums. I have listened to their first two albums countless times. I also hated Gulliver's Travels, as well as Borderlands and now I have to say I am completely unimpressed with A Minecraft Movie. Jack Black just bursting into song, going crazy while he cranks everything up to 11, just doesn't make this a watchable film. 

Jason Momoa also puts on a terrible performance, along with everyone else in this film! Where was the direction here? Did the director seriously just go to every single actor in this film and tell them to not try? Jason is an outright insufferable bully and chews the scenery every chance he gets. The characters either add too much to the film, or nothing at all. 

The green screen and the effects in this movie are ATROCIOUS! I could see the green screen in every scene and I just keep asking myself, why? Why did they not make it completely animated? The fact that it is a Minecraft world seems to add nothing but memes and references. This could have been a completely original cartoon in a completely different world and all of it could have been the same, storywise. That's considering it even has a story. 

Like the game itself, the story is all about being creative. Minecraft being a creative center for kids and adults would be a great part of the story, but it is not so great as ALL of the story. Having random scenes being tied together all in the name of saving "creativity" is like Bowser going to save Mario. This movie is nothing but a Minecraft movie to advertise Minecraft. In that sense, it succeeds. 

It's an ad, plain and simple. This movie makes you want to play Minecraft. As in, get up out of the theater and walk out, get in your car and go home to play it. This game is a great source off creativity for so many people, but they couldn't put an ounce of creativity in the movie itself? The villain just outright hates creativity because her creativity was taken away. It's pretty much just as simple as that. It was a cookie cutter plot put in place to serve all of the random BS they wanted to shove into each and every scene. 

There was hardly a joke that landed in this film. It's really hard to get involved with a world that just looks so fake, has Jack Black going 200% and all of the other random kids just can't get up the energy to put in any sort of performance. They were there for wallpaper, you could take them out of the film and it would probably benefit. Their sad past, their chemistry, none of it works. 

We're still on the lookout for some actual work put into an actual good movie. Even the subplot with the woman dating the villager did not get any real good laughs. This was not a laugh-out-loud movie, this was a chuckle or two at best. This is just another dead flop of a movie that will get some people to watch it and then it will be long forgotten because I can't even remember a single character's name, save for Steve. Even the Minecraft Stories made by Telltale Games was better written and had better characters than this. It looked better because it had actual Minecraft characters in it and it used the mechanics of the game in its storytelling. Go play that game, it's far better than anything you'll get from this. Jack, please, you won us over with Bowser in the Mario Bros movie, but this is just sad. Take a breather and get back on tour with Kyle! Virtua Rock on!!  

Super Mario 64 - 3D Mario in STEREO!

Mario needs no introduction. If you know gaming, you know this red overalled plumber and at least some of his escapades. Everyone has their favorite Mario game, it seems. Whether it be Super Mario Brothers 3 or Super Mario World, a lot of people can give you a whole spectrum ranging from the WiiU gamees to the Gamecube games. One game that has grown more and more of a following throughout the years is the Nintendo 64 main release that brought him into the 3D world. To many, that Mushroom Castle is as familiar as one's childhood home and they know all of the secrets, as well as all of the entrances with the paintings throughout its structure. 

This game, from its amazing soundtrack to its level design, remains the basis for many 3D platformers of the time. If you weren't this good, your quality was called into question. The first level has you climbing an entire hill to face off with the King Bobomb. The ghost level has you going through a full dimensional version of the Mario Land Boo Mansion. You run into Boos of all sizes, as well as a piano with razor sharp teeth coming at you! 

Every single time you face off against Bowser, you're going to need to face off against his castles first! These castles are some of the hardest levels in the game, some exceptions of course, but they are also the most fun. The traps and the fire pits they face you off with are some of the most inventive parts and it will take some serious hand-eye coordination. Some people have these levels down to a fine art with how much they have played them. 

This game, to no one's great surprise, was a target for speedrunners who have found glitches and shortcuts through the entire game. The numbers that these guys pull off are amazing, but there are many who would rather just go through the entire game al naturale for the full experience. Mario 64 is one of those games that has aged like fine wine and there are so many people who hardly ever game who have fond memories of this title, as it was very common in households. 

Along with MarioKart 64, this is one of those games that never seems to get old. Even the water levels are looked upon fondly with this title and that is an accomplishment. Where many first outings into the 3D territory has met with disaster, Super Mario 64 came along and showed people what the standard should be. Even with the challenges, this game is one of the most popular titles, especially when it was released on Super Mario 3D All Star. Even when it was ported to Nintendo DS, as frowned upon as that version was, has a lot of charm along with it. At least in that game, you can play as Yoshi and Luigi. You still heal with water, much like you do in real life. Virtua Water.  

Batman - The 1989 Batbuster!

 I could have attached this to the NES game, but I feel like this movie deserves its own review. In 1989, audiences across the country were proven wrong as they witnessed the fact that Michael Keaton can not only play Batman, but also become his greatest portrayal. The Tim Burton masterpiece is, by far, my favorite superhero movie of all time and it still remains a classic to this day. While The Dark Knight Trilogy had its greatness and the sequels in its own series suffered some unfortunate changes, Batman still remained tried and true as a standalone movie. 

Everything from Gotham's atmosphere to Danny Elfman's amazing soundtrack draw you into its very comic book-like story. If we didn't know beforehand, we probably wouldn't put together that Bruce Wayne was Batman, because he really doesn't act like it when he first meets Vicki Vale, playced by Kim Basinger. Beyond becoming a bit of a damsel, Vicki also contributes to the story by showing Bruce that there could be another way of handling this, but she also helps him to thwart The Joker, played by Jack Nicholson in another legendary portrayal that this movie has under its cowl. 

Jack was a star in the film before he even put on the white face and horrifically crooked smile. Even as a gangster lieutenant under the command of a mob boss, Jack gave off this ambition and presence that he warned people not to underestimate. Well, when he gets sloshed with chemicals and surgically mutilated, he dons the pseudonym we've all become very accustomed to. He knew he was a big deal and he wanted everyone to know it with every single move he made. As soon as he killed Grissom, played by the late great Jack Palance, he moved immediately to cease control of Gotham's crime world. Whether everything made sense or not, the movie showed how he countered every single move the other crime bosses made immediately and then spread chaos through Gotham. 

The only thing standing in Joker's way was Batman, and that's truly where this movie's greatness lies. They were the perfect foil to one another. Where Joker tries so hard to plan his panic-inducing moves, the Dark Knight put his foot down in front of him and fought him on even grounds with wonderful toys. The scene where Batman breaks through the ceiling window in the museum still gives me goosebumps to this day. The orchestra kicks in immediately and the fight is on as Batman cares about nothing but getting Vicki out of trouble and he takes on every single one of Joker's gang members. 

By this point, it should be pretty clear that this iteration of Batman killed people. People kept pointing this out as if it were something new by the time it came around in Batman Returns. He was merciful on criminals, but if they stood in his way and tried to hurt or kill civilians, he was going to return it. The Batmobile, which was the greatest design that has still not been topped, was one of the starring attractions for kids' toys of the 80's and 90's. Far superior to the Joel Schumacher designs that served more as kid toy pandering, Tim Burton's model was the encapsulation of cool and it usually came with a Batman figure included in the box! 

While it was clear that Batman Returns went a little hard on the darker themes not so suitable for children, Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin went way too far in the other direction. One was somewhat disturbing to children, while the other one treated them like idiots. The first Batman in the series did it correctly in its moderate dark themes while also giving it the atmosphere of action, which we craved from that point on. It was the first comic book movie in years to strike it big and it was very clear why. Adults and kids could enjoy it, even with the violence and the death, because it wasn't too graphic or unsettling. Everything was handled with the attempt at style and pulse while telling a compelling story. 

One problem this movie had with younger viewers was its false lore from the comics. The Joker did not kill Thomas and Martha Wayne, that was usually Joe Chill or a random criminal. This tying the two together was a little unnecessary, but it worked from within the world, as Jack Napier was a gangster and it showed that he was a killer early on. It also showed a glimpse of what he was to become, as his insanity even made him contemplate killing Bruce after he'd already killed his parents. Still, it didn't do anything to harm their rivalry, it just didn't do anything to enhance it either. They were already at odds with the safety of Gotham and Batman didn't really need any other reason to want to stop him. 

The battle of wits between the two of them is awesome, as it showed that each of them could counter one another one after the other. It was a little strange that both of them could even counter one another in defying death. In a strange sequence during the climax, Batman fired machineguns directly at Joker, even targetting him directly on his computer. Joker is literally unscratched by the move, and he pulls out a ridiculously huge pistol and fires down the Batwing. Literally unharmed by the impending crash into solid asphalt, Batman breaks out of the flying vehicle and stalks Joker as he attempts to escape by way of building and helicopter. How Tim thought up this strange little exit from logic is quite the curiosity, but it was also a very memorable scene. 

Everyone loves The Dark Knight, but Batman takes the cake for me. It was one of the first movies I ever watched and it brought me into a fandom that I am still very much a part of to this day. The dark, gritty realism and the comic book unrealism mixes so well and it put a stark contrast to the Adam West series. It showed people that comic book movies could be awesome while also being dark and serious. It also showed people that kids can love more adult oriented things and accept more adult oriented plots so long as they got to see what Batman and Joker were going to do next. It cemented something in pop culture that had never been seen before and it started Batmania all across the 90's, bringing us the animated series, sequels, toys, videogames, novels, more comic series, and it even jump started Tim Burton as a household name. Batman became the character he was meant to be. It is not a perfect movie, but it is a legend among superhero films. The cape and cowl truly belong to Michael Keaton and I will die on that hill. Face my Virtua Batarangs!  

Batman (NES) - You Are Batman

Batman is a hero that has made his mark on culture in many differnt ways. While everyone will flock to the Arkham series when it comes to gaming, you should also be aware that his title tied to the 1989 Burton film is also a God send of its time. Not only was it an exemplary platformer, it also captured the very essence of Batman himself with only 8-bits to work with. Many will cite this as one of the very few in the category of the unsung heroes of the movie, comic book and video game triumphs. 

The controls are very intuitive and the soundtrack gives off that Danny Elfman feel to bring you a great experience punching out criminals. You get to cycle through many weapons, which you will need, and you will need to get a grip on the grappling techniques. It has a mechanic very similar to Ninja Gaiden where you jump on and from walls in order to progress. It's a tricky control, but with some good muscle memory, it's not extremely hard to get down. 

Atmosphere is something that is very difficult to get down, especially with games limited to the Nintendo Entertainment System. This is the best in terms of Batman games of its time, because some of them lacked the gameplay while hitting the atmosphere, while others just flat out didn't try. Sadly, the Sega Saturn never saw a good Batman game. One thing you can also compare to the Arkham games is that this game is much harder. 

The platforming is just the beginning. Some of the mini-bosses and some of the level designs enhance the difficulty for that wholesome NES difficulty that's all natural and still tastes great. Even if you do conquer the labyrinth that is this game's level design with all of the jumping and wall hopping, actually beating the Joker is a whole other ballgame. Once you get the controls down along with the special weapons, this game is beatable. Be prepared for a lot of game over screens, though. 

It's really a marvel to see just how far back Batman ruled the scene. Superman and Spider-man can't even boast the number of quality games in the caped crusader's library. It could be argued that this game ranks right among them in terms of Batman's chief video game achievements. It's not perfect by any means. The difficulty can get downright tormenting and the limited Continue system should never have been introduced to the console mechanics to begin with. It's not as if we're jamming quarters into our Nintendo systems. It's worth your time to give this one a try. Just remember to take it slow and show them that you are vengeance! Virtua Batarang!

Virtua Neptune's Worst Fighting Games

This planet is no stranger to horrible fighting games. While we may specialize in the Saturn, there are so many subpar Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter clones out there. These games do nothing to add to the genre, but subtract from the fun factor on many fronts. Graphics may not be the biggest factor, far from it, but even that is somehow part of some of these games' downfall. We'll be covering some of the bigger titles, but also going at the games that are the largest criminals in their respective faults. This is going for games that are primarily 1 vs 1, not beat'em ups or wrestling games. The fighting games masquerading as wrestling games, however, are not off of the radar! 

These are games I've played and have at least played through the Arcade Modes/Story Modes. If you got some you hate worse, it's time to fight! Get your dukes up! Let's go! 

Sonic the Fighters (Gamecube)

Sometimes, when we say worst, we mean the ones with crap mechanics but the most charming characters. This charm goes over to the mistakes the game makes, sometimes, and this is one of those times. Sonic has a large cast and this game takes advantage of many of them. When you play as Amy, you get to use a hammer and when you're Knuckles, you get to use his fists! The gameplay is completely unbalanced, the attacks have no skill on show to put to use, so any thought of competition is out the window. You can play with a toddler and the toddler can literally win by button mashing because they button mashed with more vigor. This makes it a poorly executed button bashing fighting frenzy and that's got some playability, especially at parties. If you enjoy Sonic games, don't pass up a chance to play this terrible little gem. 

Dragon Ball GT Final Bout (PS1)

Once again, we find ourselves covering a large franchise, and once again, the game was so terrible it's loveable. The controls in this, the attacks and the blocky graphics only make fans love it more. You see characters you love (from a divisive part of the series) and you will either love or hate how they are presented here. It really helps when a friend is making fun of you, and you get the upper hand to bash their brains. Finding out the scope of these characters they cover is an utter joy, if you find a way to button mash your way through the roster. Another guilty pleasure for your consideration.

Battle Arena Toshinden 4 (PS1)

The great thing about not caring about a story or its characters is that if they are poorly used or not treated well in later sequels, it's really not a big deal. If you attempt to keep up with this story and its gameplay through the Playstation, you'll see why this was worse than Battle Arena Toshinden URA. Just because the second game for the PS1 was better does not mean that this series went a favorable route. Characters are meaninglessly killed between games and the story basically goes nowhere. The gameplay is just as bad, if not worse than all of the other ones, which is saying a great deal. Sorry if you had any sort of investment in this series, for whatever reason.

Street Fighter (Anniversary)

Fighting Games had their start in the very late 80's, but they didn't truly hit the mainstream until this very strangely nostalgic game hit the arcades. Why this drew such a crowd is anyone's guess, but it put Capcom on the map and Street Fighter II skyrocketed them through the stratosphere. How did it start like this? This game is so limited, and its controls are heartbreaking, even if you play the updated versions. They were very adamant about keeping its clumsy charm about it. I've played the original version in the arcades, previously, but this was back decades ago. I do remember comparing it very starkly to its sequel and there was only one quarter spent as I played Ken against my brother's Ryu. Needless to say, we stuck to TURBO!

Rise of the Robots (Genesis)

I mostly played the sequel, thinking that it was the worse of the two. This was false, as the first iteration was recently attempted. Well, attempted meaning I made a feeble attempt to play and dominated the entire game by spamming one attack. One thing that really puts this below Rise 2 is that you can only play one character against generic, shapeless machines that you can knock back with a light tap. You can make a pretty good joke that the most powerful opponent is the laziest bipedal hunk of chrome metal plating of all the robot things.  

Battle Monsters (Saturn)

When you play a fighting game, normally you like to actually see what you are playing. This game begs to differ. Not only does the camera have a spaz attack at a moment's notice, but the character designs and graphics are so terrible, it's hard to make out anything. You attack in the opponent's general direction and you hope that it hit something, because the detection is beyond abysmal. The candles for lifebars is charmingly dark, and there is something decently cool about the horror theme, but this was a boring and laborious experience.

Celebrity Deathmatch (PS2)

If you wanted quotes repeated over and over again, terrible controls along with gruesome graphics, you've come to the right game! Slogging through this game is like a gauntlet of what horrific images and poorly represented celebrities that you may or may not have heard of. The show was grotesque and and had stupidly funny jokes, but none of that crude charm is presented in this game. I understand that this was supposed to be fought in a ring, but did every single level need to be a ring? Yes, they differentiated them by the outer exterior, but that does not help them from feeling samey. In fact, every match is samey. 

The Simpsons Wrestling (PS2)

This is a reason why your characters need some sort of mass and physicality in your game. Each and every character in this game is made of balloons. The controls don't matter because you can just jump onto someone until they are down. If you try to actually fight someone legitimately, you will find that you are juggled over and over again. Always get the faster, smaller characters because they can swing faster and it doesn't matter that they are weaker, they still do tons of damage. Fighting in a bouncing castle is fun, but this was a dismal experience. There is something fun about how loose the fighting rules are and weightless the characters are. This can be a good party game, much like some of these others. Any of them are fun to laugh at, honesty  

Time Killers (Genesis)

This game will give you motion sickness with how shallow and stilted it is. The controls are stiff and the graphics do not mesh at all with the background. It's very different looking at it against playing it for yourself. Limbs randomly fall off your character, and if your arms fall off, obviously, your kicks are not your one defence. You may as well say goodbye to yourhead, because that means you can't block your opponent's headshots. It has some morbid charm, at first, but it becomes a slog very quickly. You either need to be very lucky when fighting the final guy, or you are going to be fighting him again and again. He is required to be beheaded at the end of the match, so here's hoping.

Pit-Fighter (SNES)

If you thought you could win, guess what? You're wrong! Even the most gifted and talented players at their peak would be troubled to even bother with this game. You push buttons and it is a miracle if you even make it past the first bout. All you do is pound each others faces with punches and kicks and you move onto the next fighter where you are thoroughly turned into a gray mass of dead body. This game thought it had to be hard to get more quarters, but it missd the fact that it was on the Super Nintendo! This terrible experience is topped off with horrible graphics, acres of wasted screen space, and an all around very unpleasant soundtrack. 

Mortal Kombat Advance

Here is the missing link between Tyger Electronics and the Gameboy Advance. Some unknown developers LIED and told the public that they could, in fact, create a fighting game fitting for the MK title. This was supposed to be Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 for the GBA, but for some reason, the fighters move as if their frames were slowed to a crawl. Many special moves do not work and the entire game is nothing but a glitch. Even regular moves feel wrong and do not even present correctly half the time. The frames are so bad that it looks like you're blinking in and out of existence. Their inputs just don't react correctly, it is very hard to describe how jank the controls feel. The AI blocks continuously and even seems to go in fast motion compared to your own movement. 

There are plenty more fighting games that belong on this list, but these are the games that were readily available here on Planet Virtua. Each one of them has their shortcomings that pretty much ruin them, but that doesn't mean they're without merit. Some of them were just underdeveloped, while some of them just didn't have much of a gimmick to keep it interesting. There are still some great fun to be had from these titles, especially Sonic the Fighters. They can just be mindless fighting fun, or they can be fun to laugh and poke fun at. As bad as they are, we can still play them and have a good time. Virtua Soft Spot.

Quake 3 Arena - Hunt Gibs to Win!

There comes a time in any highly successful development team's career where they find themselves in something of a loop. Even when their endeavor was more successful than Dai Katana, ID Software found themselves growing exhausted with the concept of First Person Shooters, Space Marines and guns. After Wolfenstein 3D, Doom, Doom 2, Quake, Quake 2 and Doom 3, they were burned out when they finally came to 1999's Quake 3. While this may represent a lowpoint in the Doomverse behind the scenes and can't really be regarded as their best work in many regards, Quake 3 Arena still has its place in the Doomverse. 

The game is broken down into a much simpler gameplay type. Instead of any story or background, you're here to fight people in an arena. In your first fight, your one instruction is "Hunt Crash to win this arena." Now, off you go. That's how it is for the rest of the game. You fight from one to around six opponents in death matches and you kill them with various weapons you've seen in both Doom and Quake iterations. 

Many people were not happy with the idea of a mundane arena shooter and wanted this to be a more linear level shooter. While the graphics and the gameplay were keened and fast as ever, people wanted more of fighting minions in long levels while going toward boss battles. Still, for what it had, it concentrated on the movement and the weapons most of all. The BFG 10,000 is fashioned into a more coherent and precise weapon so that it's not over powered, but still packs a hell of a punch. Many prefer the rocket launcher or the plasma gun, but there was also the absence of the nail gun or the super nail gun. While some iterations and mods have corrected this, the vanilla game never featured one. Still, the grenade launcher and the super shotgun more than make up for this. Even if it isn't called the super shotgun, it's still double barreled and powerful. 

The characters have a little something to offer. Some of them have interesting backstory and obviously there are some with more prevelence in the universe. Ranger and Bitterman are from Quake 1 and 2 and it's cool to see them face off against those from the universe. Other than that, though, there are just some fighters with interesting occupations. No, I'm not just talking about how Minx is a porn star. Yes, that is real, she even has A.I. that talks during the matches with very strange references to how her boobs are fake and things of that nature. 

The real problem with this game beyond that is there really isn't much else to talk about. The levels look great and it was one of the best arena fighters for LAN parties, but it was also quite bare bones when it came to anything else. Even with Doom and Doom II, you got the red text after the episodes that told you about some of the lore and what happened. With Quake 3, there is none of that at all. You fight against the main badguy, Xero, but there's no real details other than he is a tactical shooter because he's on the level with the rail gun battles. He's never mentioned or has had any real effect on the Doom community. You get to play as Doomguy (strangely only named "Doom") as well as Phobos and Crash. If lore is correct, then Crash is Doomguy's trainer. This is a little strange because she is the first and weakest opponent you face in the entire game. 

This game may not be the pennacle of death matching, let alone first person shooters, but it is a very fun time to have when you want to pick something up and play it. It's very easy to learn and you can get good with some of the more powerful weapons and powerups. Just imagine how many of your friends you can mow down with a quad damage! Such a thing has ended friendships. Kill with care and remember that it's either you or them. Virtua Strafe Shoot! 

Grand Theft Auto 3 - Now in Vanilla Flavor!

 

There is no denying the impact that San Andreas and Vice City have had on sandbox games throughout the ages. However, you cannot have those two without the original game. Grand Theft Auto 3 is obviously not the first in the series, but what was a 2D overhead game turned into a 3rd Person free roaming game where you go on missions in order to help take over the city for the mafia. This game opened up an entirely new world, literally, for gamers. GTA3 became the Doom of sandbox games with its very large, detailed open world gaming. While it didn't have all of the shops or houses interior, there is still a lot to do all around the starting city. 

As you progress through this game, going through harder and more detailed missions, you'll start to open the world up more and more. If you commit crimes like stealing cars, killing people or causing mayhem too much, you will start to grow more visible to the authorities. In the beginning of the game, you aren't able to fill up your wanted level all the way, but once you go through the game, you'll start attracting the attention of the armed forces. The more authority you attract, the bigger their vehicles get. They'll go from squad cars all the way up to armored vehicles and helicopters. 

All of this adds to the difficulty of the game, which can have some very complicated and difficult timed missions. There are also some extra missions you can do when you steal a taxi or a police squad car. There is even a van in the middle of the city that you can get into and start controlling remote little trucks armed with bombs. 

Some of the best things about this game aren't even involved with the gameplay itself. Once you get into a vehicle with a radio, you can either listen to rocking tunes, which can be customized with your music in your PC, or you can listen to the talk radio. The talk radio is some of the funniest, most nonsensical sketch comedy there is. Whether it be the interviews or the commercials that satire American culture in some very crude ways. These are just some of the engrossing elements of this game that get you involved in the game. 

Then, there are the cheats and the mayhem you can cause throughout the city. If you don't care whether you get arrested or die, as you wake up outside the hospital or police station without your weapons. This means you can use the weapon cheat to get as many guns as you want and just start shooting people and cars. You can steal cars and run them into people, run them into other cars for nice big explosions. This also goes for the grenades, rocket launcher and the molotov cocktails. Some people just play this game to see how long they can survive against the police and the authorities while you destroy as much as you can. It's one of the original games where this was possible. The cheats just add a nice little replay element to the game and allow you to have fun with the world you're in. Anyone who has played these games know these joys. 

While the later iterations and the copycat games are objectively better with the Saints Row Series and later installments of GTA itself, this game still has plenty of charm to love. It is hours of fun gameplay as well as a sandbox world that never stops spawning new NPC's that speak nasty lines and attack you for no reason. This is the first installment of a brand new world that only got more beautiful as time went on and it's fun to go back to see where it all began. It can be glitchy and crude, but it's carefree fun for anyone wanting to take their anger out on some randos. Just don't go into the water, that's our drinking water.

Phasmaphobia vs Demonologist - A Haunting Spectrum

We've had our stint in the horror genre here on Planet Virtua. We've talked about what to do and what not to do when it comes to the scary stuff in video games and it has been a nice ride as such. Well, here recently, I have found a group of friends that enjoy the horror games that you play online. Our first journey into the spooky stuff was Phasmaphobia, released in 2020. While it is titled with the word that means "Fear of Ghosts", there is a bit of a problem with that. 

Phasmaphobia can be described as darkly toned. That's about it, honestly. It has a good dark tone with a haunted setting. Beyond that, it has little tiny experiences that differ here and there, but not a whole lot. You go and investigate scary haunted locations together, bringing in a few Ghostbuster type gadgets that give you indications of what kind of ghost you are dealing with. A lot of the time, it's mostly just breathing steam when the temperatures get cold and the lights being turned off. When all of the light sources turn off, you just go to the fuse box and turn it back on. 

If you are lucky, you will see a specter of some sort. That occurrence is so rare, though, and I played through at least 20 whole rounds with only being able to take a picture of one ghost. The normal experience included the lights turning off, the doors suddenly closing and maybe something falling from a table. The ghost activity is so scarce, sometimes you'll just start yelling at the ghost through the speaker. You can insult them for hours and nothing will happen. 

Then, you're dead. Oh yes, the ghost will kill you if they feel inclined and that will be the end of it. This can be privy to absolutely nothing and no one. You will just see hands come around your neck and then a little image before you're dead and talking to your friends as a ghost. I was the Kenny of the group and died the most times by far. Sometimes, I wouldn't even see anything outside of the lights turning off every so often. They didn't even think to add scary sound effects, it all just get so mundane. The worst experience out of everything was in the camp ground. 

This is based on a money system and you need to pay for flashlights and other equipment. You NEED the flashlights and everyone will want one of their own. If not, you'll see black. You'll see a void of dark empty space and you'll run into things the whole time. In the camp ground, with the wide open area, add a truckload of lag on top of all of that, while not being able to decipher where you're going. It took me about six or seven minutes just to find my way back to the camp ground with the van to get out of that level because we were so sick of seeing camping tents and the game chugging to a TERRIBLE game-breaking framerate. If I am complaining about the framerate, something is horribly wrong. 

Now, take all of the good things of Phasmaphobia, with the flashlights, scary tone and setting, lights turning off and occasional ghost sightings and turn it up to 11! That is Demonologist. This game has better graphics, more customizable characters and SCARY THINGS. You are another 2 - 4 players (with a singleplayer setting!) but this time, you actually have horrific events, scary sounds and actual tangible things to do.

In Demonogist, you can walk into a room, get a dimming flashlight while the ghost starts laughing and appearing in a wedding dress. This, on top of scary babies appearing all over a room and some haunting laughter coming from nowhere. This freaked all of us out and made us want to hide in the cabinet, which can only hide two people. In this version, there are still sudden deaths, but at least now you get to have some tension where you think you're going to see floating objects in a room, a TV turning on and off along with a fireplace turning on and off. 

You feel the menace by these ghosts, and some of them are more aggressive than others. These ghosts have actual characteristics that differ from one another that range further than simple cold temperatures and maybe more than just a flashing light on your ghost detector. Sometimes, they can be a child running across the hall and making you wet your pants. Not that that happened to me at any point. It was a friend... MOVING ON!

Demonologist isn't without its own faults, obviously. One major downfall it has is that the only map you can get to in the first level and it takes a long while to level up in this game. Even with that in mind, this game walks all over Phasmaphobia by a very long margin. There were so many more instances where you feel like you're in a haunted house with a very nefarious spirit trying to make you leave. 

Another problem they both have is that the ghosts don't always differ all that much with how they give evidence to what they are. In both games, one of your objectives is to figure out what type of ghost you are dealing with. It's not always clear, but to Demonologist's credit, it's mostly hard in the beginning because you don't have a whole lot of items to decipher the puzzles. 

Phasmaphobia had some good points here and there, but they were so few and far in between, it became a bit of a slog to get through a lot of the locations. With just one level starting out in Demonologist, it was already ten times the experience with all of the images and dread you feel from the haunting entities. It's a clear winner between the two, but by all means, try them both. Just remember to bring your flashlight and a full canteen of water.

Duke Nukem Forever - Late to his Own Funeral

If you want to know Duke Nukem, obviously it all began way back when computers were awesome and low tech as hell! A lot of people will point to Duke Nukem 3D as the first game, but there are two that predate 3D. Hence, the name, 3D. Duke Nukem 1 and 2 were made by Apogee as a platformer for DOS. Duke Nukem 3D was also made for DOS, much like Doom or Wolfenstein 3D. While they are not known as well today, they were very well received and sported some impressive graphics and gameplay for the time. The colors, the action and the character himself were looked upon fondly by many fans. 

We would have loved a followup in the mainline, you know, like the one we were told was coming very soon. Manhattan Project was a wonderful return to form for both Duke and platforming in his games, so we thought Duke Nukem Forever was going to be the most awesome thing since sliced bread. The trailer looked awesome, the stage was set and we were ready to be blown away.

Silence. So much silence followed. Then they kept bringing it back and telling people it would be finished when it was finished. We later found out that their lead designer at Apogee, then renamed 3D Realms, kept trying to latch onto new and exciting technology. To say that this mirrored a very prominent game of the time that rhymes with schmyschmatana would be a gross understatement. The difference between John Romero and this project, however, was he found a road and kept chugging. George Broussard kept wanting newer and newer technology and he kept hitting the reset button on the development as a result. 

What we got after over a DECADE of development, being passed from 3D Realm to Gearbox and Randy Pitchford, was rather disheartening to say the very least. This is coming from someone who was hit the hardest, a Duke Nukem fan from Duke Nukem 3D who waited for its development, bought it immediately as it came out and saw what came of it. The wait was definitely not worth it and 2011 was darkened as a result. Okay, not quite that bad, but there are clear problems. 

The humor and the storyline are disgusting and that is not just from being offensive. The horrible treatment of women and the alien references from other franchises is uncomfortable enough. Duke Nukem Forever cranks that up to 11 and makes you want to slap whoevers idea that is COUGHRANDYCOUGH!!! 

All of that aside, it is a dreary, boring experience as you go through these very uninspired level designs. The biggest red flag that came first was when the game shrunk you and put a platformer in shelves! This is like Half-life if you gained distance by inches. It is astounding what they did in service of slowing down the pace of literally EVERYTHING in this game. To heal yourself, you could have gone with medkits, but no, you go with ego. Yes, ego is a meter that can be filled by having fun in some way or just relaxing with a beer. 

The game either goes the exact wrong way and puts you in a side mission with no aliens, or it goes the other route, gives you infinite ammo reloads and pits you against a horde of enemies. The game had no pace whatsoever. Put that alongside a nonsensical storyline with horrible characters and you're looking at a lot of why Duke Nukem Forever failed. By the time we got to the giant monster truck that's super big and compensating, I'd checked out of this game. It put its best boss battle at the beginning of the game, had a stupidly perverted and disgusting boss battle in the middle and then it basically didn't bother with the last one. You've got another stadium boss battle at the very end and it's just not worth it. 

The highlights of this game are scarce. The graphics are nothing to write home about, but they don't hinder the experience. It's the load times that hinder the experience down to a very skulking crawl. There's really no other way to explain it than just keep bringing up the pacing over and over again. The developers kept adding weight after weight to the experience and creating more and more boring parts of the game. It is a chore to keep up with it.

There are parts where the gunfighting and alien bashing are reminiscent of Duke Nukem 3D and when it's actually trying to be like the classics, it can pull it off. It just doesn't, though, it was so focused on nonsensical gimmicks and a storyline that no one was even following in the first place. It gets so old to see yet another woman who is willing to whore herself out to Duke, even outright hitting on him and making vagina jokes in front of their kids who want his autograph. The thin line of dignity and decency had been crossed long ago with the bathroom "minigames" but really, there is a limit. 

Once again, it wasn't worth the wait and since its release, we've gotten a demo of the original Duke Nukem Forever. If the opportunity presents itself, there may be some of those games reviewed here in the future. If you're really looking for a good follow-up to Duke Nukem 3D (amid its seemingly endless expansions) then give Duke Nukem Manhattan Project a try. It is a platformer and the mechanics are grossly different, but it certainly knows what it wants to be. That's more than can be said about this abomination. This review is taking out a lot of hate on this game because I am one of the schmucks that paid full price for its original release. That got me the experience of disappointment, but at least there was no more money spent when I played it for this review. Has it aged well at all? Not even slightly. Do I need some water? I could use some.

Mega Man 2 - The Legendary Sequel

Capcom has had a very successful run of sequels. Resident Evil 2, Street Fighter 2 (pick whichever you want, they're all good), and everyone should know which Mega Man we're talking about here today. Call this a review of both Mega Man 1 and 2 because the two are commonly compared. Mega Man started strong on the NES, and the level designs and functions were quite unique in the ways of not only level selections, but also differing levels. 

Then there came the mechanic of gaining powers. Not only did Mega Man 2 take up on this, but it also improved upon it. While both games boast very iconic boss battles with their awesome character designs, Mega Man 2 just had more and better variants when it came to their attributes. Different weapons could be used against their opposing Robot Masters. Of all of the Masters you hear of, Metal Man is usually the best of the selection to get first. 

We all love Guts Man, especially his ass, but Mega Man 2 also had Heat Man, Wood Man and Bubble Man! Flash Man's ability could even stop time completely for a short duration. These were all just weapons to make you equipped to take on the bosses, as well as many of their traps and mechanics in their levels. Quick Man has a section in his levels where large blazing bars run across the screen, and while there is a way to dodge them, it is just made so much easier with Flash Man's time stopping ability. Metal Man's ability allowed you to shoot your blades in vertical and even diagonal lines across the screen. His blades were some of the strongest weapons in the game! 

This game is known for its jumping and shooting mechanics, as well as its high flying platforming action. However, what this game is also known for is its soundtrack! There is some of the most amazing music in this game and it is almost worth playing just to listen to these amazing tunes. Wood Man and Flash Man have some of the best music in their backgrounds, but everyone will remember Wily's Stage 1 for the rest of their lives. There is a band called Bit Brigade that plays some of the best rock renditions of these songs. If you have not heard them, I bid you check them out. 

Mega Man 2 can get very frustrating in some areas. Going through some of the later stages can get hard, esepcially when you need to use Crash Man's bombs to get through walls and shoot wall guns. If you have played this game, we all know the pains of speed running that nightmare. However, some of these levels are just worth playing for their simplicity once you have mastered these controls. They have some more annoying points than others, like some of the moving platforms in Air Man's level and the rolling platforms in Metal Man's. However, once you've found your way of dealing with these difficulties, they become an old challenge that you can mentally train yourself to overcome with a smile. 

This is one of the best titles on the Nintendo Entertainment System. This is the greatest game in the Mega Man library. While Mega Man X remains its equal in the X and Mega Man series, that is another review for another time. Mega Man 2 is a great game to start people on with platforming. It teaches rhythm in jumping, dealing with some challenges that may be complicated at first, but are overcome even at very young ages. If you have any of the Mega Man Legends collections, getting the first one is worth it for this game alone, but there are also some greatness in the later games as well. Mega Man 3 is definitely no slouch, but again, that is another glass of water for another time. Drink your Bubble Lead!

Master of Magic - The Worlds are Mine!

 Strategy games have been sprinkled across the market, and while not all of them are engrossing or intricate, some of them truly thought provoking. Mechanics in a strategy game are everything to it and the best thing that you can do is paint them up to be pretty. Of course, the word "pretty" is relative, especially when you are talking about a game that came out in the mid 90's. Back in the pre-CD-ROM era, these games had a great number of restrictions and it is truly a comment on their quality that the developers made such a great game regardless. 

Master of Magic took a strategy game like Sid Meier's Civilization and added a very prominent magic mechanic to it. The details can be considered complicated, but it's not to the point where you can't understand it. Once you get all of these mechanics down, there is still one to three opponents you need to face along with them. It's not that there are too many of these problems you need to deal with, the real problem is keeping up with them while also dealing with wizards that have just as much, if not more, power than you do. They can cast one single spell and throw a sword into your mechanics at any given point. 

You start out simply. You have the choice of any wizard, either keeping with their chosen spell categories or customizing them yourself. Then you have the choice of race in your subordinates, anything from Orcs, Elves, humans or even beastmen. Each of these races have their faults and advantages that you need to learn if you want to use them to their fullest potential. You start with one small city and two units, swordsmen and spearmen. You explore an entire map, which is randomly generated every time, and you need to figure out who you face on the field. These wizards can either start by acting like they're going to be peaceful, or they can come at you with extreme aggression and want to wipe you from the map. 

As the master of your armies, you need to make sure that your people are fed and you need to make sure that you have all of your bases guarded. The best thing you can do is leave military units in each of them, while also having an exploration party to go and find riches, magical artifacts and fame throughout the entire world. You need to keep up with your magical power by finding sources of mana while also making sure your normal units and heroes are well equipped and experienced in battle to become stronger. 

Heroes will come out of nowhere and want to be hired. The more you play this game, the more you will come to favor some over others. The lower level they are, the weaker they are, and some heroes thrive regardless. The artifacts you find can help them gain in power and thus help you conquer more of the land, and some of them even have their own books of magic that they can use when you are depleted of mana. 

There is so much to consider throughout all of this. There are magical units that you can summon, normal units that you can produce in cities, military units that come to you for hire and even units that you can raise from the dead with the books of Death. They can use ranged attacks like bows and arrows along with magical missile attacks, or they can have melee attacks at close ranges. Each of them have their own prowess and misusing these units can be extremely catastrophic if you built them from the ground up to higher levels. 

Magic can be the great balance breaker in this game in several different ways. When you reach the higher levels of your given magic, Death spells can literally put a plague on cities and kill the citizens, or Chaos spells can just destroy entire buildings and light the whole thing aflame. Life spells are there for healing and using divine powers to protect, while Nature can be used to grow strong units. Sorcery is a more basic magic and materializes spectres and transdimensional entities such as phantoms. Each one of them has their weaknesses and strengths and all of them have the capacity to shift the tide in your favor. 

As intricate and detailed as this game is, it is not without its pitfalls. You can say that a wizard is your ally and you can have them help you in many cases, but the game seems to love just randomly pissing them off for no reason and making them your hated enemy on the turn of the dime. Even when they are considered your ally, they can just attack you without warning and all the sudden, the next time you talk to them, they'll talk to you like you killed their favorite pet and vow revenge on you when you thought that things were perfectly fine between you. Random events can come out of nowhere and shift your cities' economy for no reason, randomly turning your strength into a weakness. The balance in this game is wonky and can even be considered fleeting. 

This is very much like a very complicated game of chess. This is especially true in the combat sections, where every unit has an attack and movement. Depending on the unit, they can have very low damage, weaknesses to certain elements and be unable to attack a certain unit because they can fly, are incorporeal or any other number of details that you need to be aware of. Some units are invisible, and some units can move through walls without going through the portculus. You have the ability to affect combat through direct targeting spells or even area of effect spells that give you the advantage, but if you are facing another wizard, they have the same ability, albeit a different approach depending on their magic type. 

You may need to play this game a few times to get used to the mechanics, but once you nail down its many details, this is very hypnotic in its ability to make the hours fly by. You build a very large empire and have so much power, but then you can still find yourself in jeopardy once you find that your enemy has learned a new spell that cripples your forces in one way or the next. You can either fight your way through enemies and defeat them by conquering their bases, or you can play the long game and learn all of your new, more powerful spells all the way to the point that you learn the Spell of Mastery. Once you have cast the Spell of Mastery, you have won the game.

This may sound like a simple concept, but it takes many turns to learn even some of the middling spells. You need to put stats in Research, while balancing it with Mana Power and Casting Skill. You'll need to defend your empire while also learning the more powerful spells in anywhere from 50 to 200 turns, depending on how much you have. Cities help this when you build certain structures such as libraries. Everything you have in your arsenal is there, you simply need to be able to keep up with it through keeping up with your population growth, gold management and food. All the while, you're learning and casting spells in order to benefit yourself while keeping your opponents off balance or happy with your conduct, depending on what route you take. 

This game is a marvel of its time. I feel like I've tapped the very surface of every mechanic and there still needs to be a trial period where you learn and play the game with your own learned strategy. It is more than worth replaying to find your favorite mixture of magic types, either going monocromatic with just one very powerful spell type or going with two or more lesser strength spell types that can mix together for your benefit. You'll learn what race you favor and what heroes you wish to hire early on when you get to know what benefits they possess early on and later when they level to the final stage of Demigods. It gets so deep into a well that it's hard to believe this only came on 9 discs in 5.25 floppies. It's a very tiny game that fits easily on any modern harddrive. It only demands a bit of thought and some of your time to learn, and you'll find out that, as frustrating as it can get, it can also fulfill your need for strategy and fantasy gaming in one nice little package. Give this game a try if it even partially strikes your fantasy. You'll be glad you did. Just remember to give your citizens plenty of water to drink.