Batman Begins - The Dark Origins

 

So, once Batman and Robin hit the crater that was critical demolishment, WB decided they wanted to restart the whole franchise. This was a wise choice, and honestly should have been done once they switched directors in the first place. How they went about it wasn't ideal, but it started something that would blossom into a true marvel of Batman lore. Christopher Nolan brought Christian Bale into the spotlight as the Dark Knight himself, and this had its up and downs, but it became an overall hit. There were also some pros and cons from all of the casting, but we'll get into that as we go along. What wasn't such a great idea was making this a full on origin story. For one thing, it is extremely long and takes quite a ways to get going. 

We get to meet the Wayne family, Thomas, Martha and Bruce as we see how he helps Gotham and helps his son after he falls into a well. Bruce is scared by some bats and his friend, Rachel, goes to get their parents. It's nice to see how he and his father interacted, but it also plugs a lot more time onto this movie. We basically already know how his parents died, as it has been shown to us before and will be shown again ad nauseum. Then, we see him and his butler interact, which is more entertaining, because he's played by Michael Caine. 

Bruce goes on a journey after he makes the mistake of trying to kill his parents' killer. Someone else assassinates him, so he goes on a vision quest. He wants to be able to help those who cannot help themselves and he seeks out Ra's Al Ghul. Liam Neesan is alwaya a good choice, no matter how you slice it. He brought about character to the character and made him a little more sympathetic while also being outright menacing. The movie picks up once he enters the film and shows how the Legion of Shadow rules the underworld. He trains Bruce once he proves himself to be worthy. We see how he picked up the skills of ninjitsu and the art of using the shadow to your advatnage. 

The movie gains a rhythm once we see Batman truly begin to form, and Bale really shows how he transforms as a character. As he gains the skills, he shows that he is willing to go to many lengths, including making Bruce Wayne look like a total idiot playboy as a cover. He is so dedicated that he even goes out of his way to smear his own and his father's name in front of a lot of aristocrats who he calls outright sycophants. In the next movie, apparently all of his rich friends come back, so it really is true what they say about the richest masses having to do with friendship. 

Either way, when we see him put together the Batman costume, it is some of the best scenes in the movie. This is especially true when Lucious Fox comes on with the power of Morgan Freeman. He brings about some of the best energy to the film, and he has some of the best, most quotable lines. The way he introduces the Tumbler as the new Batmobile is a scene that you can frequently return to. This is nothing to say about his later scenes in the movie, they're all great.

Once we get into the crime, we get into Jim Gordan, played by the great Gary Oldman, who is not Commissioner quite yet. He does, however hesitantly, start to help Bruce under the guise of a dark defender. Batman comes on the scene to clean up the crime and his scenes are obviously some of the best in the movie. It'd be better if Nolan didn't jerk the camera around in his action scenes, but we 'll take what we can get. They do a great job of showing us the criminal underworld and how it is very complicated with all of the crooked cops and judges. Bruce finds out he can only trust Gordan and so their kinmanship starts to really take hold as the movie goes on. 

Scarecrow is... hit and miss with this film. His biggest hit is when he is at real odds with Batman and the two of them really face off. His biggest miss in this film was his exit from it. The same pattern can be seen through all of his appearances throughout this series. Cillian Murphy puts on a good performance, they just don't always have a great plan for him in the overall scheme of things. 

Ghul and Batman's rivalry is solid throughout the film. He taught Bruce how to fight so it is cool to see how he squares off a more seasoned and fit version of his old pupil. The fact that he was Ra's Al Ghul, as you can tell from this review, wasn't much of a surprise at all. It didn't matter much of how it worked or if the older guy was the one before him, it was just a good villain and it was kind of a shame to see him go. 

When Batman is taking down criminals and there's night time fight scenes, this movie flourishes. When it's him as a child, walking through Gotham with his parents, going on long journeys through Asia, it can be a bit of a dragging movie. Bale, Freeman, Neeson, Caine, all of them bring something to the table in terms of acting and characters. In retrospect, this movie became more of a precursor to what came after it. The Dark Knight rocked the Batman franchise, so we'll definitely be taking a look at it soon enough. Until then, remember to do your pushups so you can survive the Bat Fire!!!

Doomverse #33 - Knee Deep in Blood and Gore

 

One of the biggest factors in Doom's success was its very first episode along with its very first level. Knee Deep in the Dead is outspoken as many fans' introduction to the game itself. The first impression was such a hit that it sold leaps and bounds over Wolfenstein 3D by around double what it was making per month. The shareware of Doom hit stores and they couldn't keep them on the shelves. Hangar is an iconic level, not only for being its first stage, but also for being the last one made for the episode. 

It is such a simple first episode and that helped players learn its mechanics. Not only did they learn how to shoot enemies in a simple way, but it also showed them that there are stairs and dynamic lighting which were not present in Wolfenstein 3D. It showed you the shotgun sergeants and the zombie soldiers with the single shot rifles. 

Then come the imps from the balcony. Not only are there levels with stairs, but there are levels where you cannot readily get to it. Well, you can get on top of it, but only after you enter the final stage. New players may not discover this until after they replay the level and go exploring. Yes, secrets are there for those who are paying attention. There is a button at the very beginning after you kill your first horde of enemies (granted you are playing on Ultra Violence at least). Once you press it, you can go outside and find your way to the latter part of the level. Giving you this more hectic but more rewarding way to go in the level is a masterstroke, as it really shows you what type of player you really are. It's simple enough to 100% the secrets if you know about the little corner platform as well, but this is only the start of the episode's greatness.

The second level introduces you to the chaingun, but only if you find the opening room secret where you need to hit a switch. It will also supply you with a megahealth for +100. This level uses hallways very effectively and will often mix the normal zombie with shotgun sergeants and imps all in one big conga line.

The first time I played this game, I saw something that I shouldn't have seen in the Doom map, in the form of the Nazi symbol lowering to the ground. This raised questions as to what the connection was from this world to Wolfenstein 3D. Later, I would hear that Sandy Petersen found it in the map, and removed it. Whether it was a leftover from Tom Hall or not, that's up in the air at this point. 

As you get deeper into the levels, you start to see that the secrets are in several different forms. Whether they be on a random little elevator or across some acid, it's normally in a strangely aligned wall or one that is mismatched from the rest in another way. John Romero, Sandy Petersen and Tom Hall all put their creative energy into this episode, and Romero came up with the brilliant idea of putting their final creation for the episode at the very beginning. Hangar was the final level made for Doom's shareware. 

Well, Tom Hall started creating the final level, then Sandy Petersen finished it. The Phobos Anamoly features the first Barons of Hell you encounter. They have been lovingly titled "The Bruiser Brothers". In the hardest difficulty, you fight them with nearly invisible pinkies roaming around the corners. If you're not ready for this, it can be very off-putting. Well, it's just that much better when you do kill them and the spectres! 

Then you step onto the finishing platform and are teleported to Hell, where you die! That's right, it's a cliffhanger finish and people were hyped for the full experience! Doom became legend because of this one level and I still think it is Doom it is purest form. John Romero, John Carmack, Tom Hall, Sandy Petersen, Adrian Carmack, Bobby Prince and all of the other contributors that made Doom great. It all started right here. That really means something, especially since it aged as well as it did. Classic Doom levels are still being made and there are so many homages to this episode. If you are a Doom fan and you have not completed Knee Deep in the Dead, then you shall have a demon head delivered to your doorstep right away! Begin studying it so that you might practice ripping apart its Virtua Horns!!!

Doomverse #32 - When We 100% Wolfenstein 3D

The video game golden age started very soon after the crash of 1983. Once PC games started getting more powerful and developers became more experimental, Wolfenstein 3D hit the market and changed a lot of rules. Many unspoken rules were broken, as blood was usually seen as a huge turnoff for parents and wouldn't want their kids to buy it. The smart developers like Id Software knew that kids weren't the demographic with the real money and they weren't the only ones that wanted to play awesome games. 

Wolfenstein did a lot of things different. Not only did it bring 3D gameplay through programming tricks, making it faster and more accessible for players, but it also kept score of how many of Hitler's forces you took out. It also kept track of the treasure and the secrets that you found in the level. Of course, gamers latched onto this like fat on meat. It suddenly became so important to get through levels faster, as the ending stats also kept track of the time it took you to get through each mission. At the end of each episode, it would also give you the percentages of all of it calculated together. 

I don't remember how long it took, but using the manual with all of the level maps, me, my dad and my brother set out to hit 100% of every single level. Anytime we got to a level exit, we saved it and go back through the level, looking for what we missed. The maps showed you the enemy locations as seen in I Am Death Incarnate and also showed you the location of every secret and treasure. Sure, it sounds like that would make it easy, and it did make it less time consuming, but that's like saying I got a cup of water from the Sea World whale tank. 

Wolfenstein 3D is HARD. There are levels that can be cleaned up with very little effort, especially in the first episode, but once you get to episode 5 or 6, we are dealing with officers on top of the SS troops. They went insane with the hallways filled with enemies lined up like a firing squad. In certain levels, you either went through very long hallways, inching forward to alert enemies, or just run down the hallway and wail on them with the chaingun. The latter is more time efficient, but not as sure to work.

There were levels, as some Wolfenstein 3D players will tell you, where you cannot get 100% of everything. There came points in the game where the devs thought it would be oh so funny to put in secret mazes with which you needed to push the walls in certain ways. We ended up drawing on the map with pencil. We got as many as we could with all of the items that we could, but you can't just push walls at random, you may very well get stuck. 

The bosses were come and go in difficulty. The biggest difficulty we had were with the zombies on Episode 2. Yes, they were extremely difficult. Hans Grosse is one thing, but enemies with such a high firing rate and NO emergence sound, you will be lucky if you get all of them the first time you shoot them in a room. There is always one peeking around the corner, ready to shoot you with its weird hand chest gun thing. The easiest part of episode 2 was the boss fight. He was a doctor guy that threw syringes at you and they were easy to dodge. 

Beyond that, Episode 6 had to be the most challenging out of any of them. Officers in big numbers can be a pain in the ass to take down. This requires a great deal of chaingun fire, which drains your ammo like none other. The worst parts are when there are long, open hallways, and the officers are set to sneak mode. So you can't just fire your weapon to alert them, they need to see you and then they will attack. One run down the hallway will alert all of them and then turning around may be the death of you if you're not fast enough. 

Still, we got every single level to 100% that we could, even taking on the last guy, who has a chaingun as well as a small rocket launcher. The fourth episode boss had the rocket launcher alone, which made him easy once you figured out his pattern and could dodge his projectiles. They were faster than the weirdo who created the zombies, but still very much in line with an easier opponent than Hans or Mecha Hitler. As always, Episode 1 and Episode 3 were our favorites. Taking down Hitler himself was a milestone in the game and then the rest of them were more of a good thing, but also quite a handful, if we're being honest. Wolfenstein 3D remains a godsend of its time. There is so much innovation for the genre, even if it is not as appreciated as it once was by the current crowd. Still, it brought The New Order, Return to Castle Wolfenstein and even the underappreciated 2009 game. Always remember where it started, when you gave Mecha Hitler a lethal dose of American Virtua Justice!   

Crash Storm #9 - Bungie's Deal Sucks and so do Game Awards

So, without fail, once again, a large publisher's apology is followed up by a large amount of luggage attached that everyone needs to sort through and decipher for themsleves. Everyone knows that Marathon is not doing well, at least those small few that still remember it exists. They put all of their tokens into a new live service game that no one asked for and then put their fists on their hips like an expectant mother. When we did not eat this crap with our vegies and their numbers sank quicker than you could say Bob's your uncle. 

So, then they come out and make a statement: If we do not buy Marathon and give it sales, we may not get all of the cool stuff BACK from Destiny 2 that they removed from the game in the first place. You know, all of those things that people paid money for and should have been able to keep? Yeah, he very stupidly worded it too. Well, fan backlash was about what you'd expect. This was a bit of fine print that didn't seem to be in their very heartfelt and I'm sure very genuine apology that they made very recently. 

So, not only has Activision shown signs of using their new boss lady in the new Halo game they're... possiibly making, but now they're telling us we're not getting their goodies until we start paying up. Well, color me surprised. It'll wash off as a lie, but seriously, they apparently must have thought they were being clever... again. Of course, they felt the heat from the public and immediately backtracked. It turns out we're just too stupid to understand what he meant and they meant of course they'll get right to work on Destiny 2, right away, good sir. Yes sir. 

When has this strategy of business ever worked? How many times will the AAA gaming industry do this type of garbage? Is the industry just going to be a bunch of games that we look at and get judged if we don't slobber them with praise? Will they become loansharks that threaten to break our kneecaps if we don't buy whatever they dump into the trough?

They have outright lied to us, attempted to extort us, outright stolen from us without a means of refunding and gone to enormous lengths to pay game journalists to glaze their games with praise. How does any of this cast them in a good light? Half of this was in the attempt at damage control for many of their lies being exposed. They pile more lies on top of those lies, change their story on a whim and they hold out their palms in order for us to pass them a cool 80 to 100 clams. It's apparently just common courtesy to pay them for insulting our intelligence. 

It's like reviewing the movie Groundhog Day in realtime. It seems like everytime one of these Crash Storms are released, they're outright lying to us while telling us they're not. It's getting a little hard to reword this stuff when it happens as often as the moon is visible at night. With all of the bots having a blast with Wolverine and sucking inhalers while taking over storylines, we really are receiving a lot of desperate pleas as these huge tanker ships continue to sink. Ubisoft lied themselves into an early grave, Bethesda is feeling the heat, especially after Id was decimated, now more are bobbing beneath the surface. 

So, of course, with gaming studios closing, game prices going up and interest at an all time low, let's give these studios some awards! Yes, because these achievements being met just SCREAM for an award of some kind. The AAA gaming industry patting themselves on the back is starting to look just as pathetic as actors telling us how to vote. It's becoming easier to point out industry shoe-ins and which games are playing to the tune of getting these awards through the proper check marks that we're becoming all too familiar with. 

The joke truly is, ironically, no one pays attention to them, nor respect them in any tangible sense. The choices for these awards very rarely reflect the fans' opinions and it all just boils down to who got paid. Yes, getting packages and free hotel stays from companies to sway your opinion is morally and objectively wrong. This is hardly a professional journalism site by any stretch of the imagination, but at least these are opinions and details that come from a gamer and someone who can bring about more informed and truthful points of view. If you don't like a game and yet you are calling your readers names for not purchasing it, you are wrong and there is a very large, fat part of my ass that you can kiss. Yes, that was a professional line right there.

Mixtape is the biggest title that is going to be talked about for several reasons. A game with millions upon millions of space clams backing it with billions on standby was apparently made by an indie studio. Many will tell you that this is because the lead developer is a woman who came from her father's gargantuan amounts of money. We could probably call this video game and gaming studio her welcome home gift from that time she went on her fifth vacation for the year. 

The Golden Joystick will probably give it Game of the Year because of course they will. They need that cash cow of a developer who sweats golden coins, so you can see it topping the charts while games like Crimson Desert and Ace Combat 8, that many gamers actually enjoy, will go unnoticed. Yes, all of the hard work and development only matters if it's for a DEI checkbox game that's failing. If that's the case, then you're a racist or whatever and you just don't respect their hard work and dedication. If it's someone like Hogwarts Legacy or someone who doesn't agree with us, then they are evil and their work is for Satan! 

Yes, all of it makes sense.That's why these predictions will come true. We can just let them break their cassette tapes and act like they're from the 90's. It matters because it does. Grok it.

Ghostbusters 1984 - A Halloween Tradition

 Everyone has the movie set they like to watch during the holiday seasons. Even Thanksgiving has traditions with movies and even TV shows like Friends. Ghostbusters is probably one of the most perfect movies to watch duing Halloween and that's just the tip of the iceberg on my playlist during the Saturn Month of Virtua SPOOOOO
OOOOOOOKIES!!! But it's perfect for capping off another Halloween. Hopefully it was full of costumes, scares and loved ones. And gaming, hopefully some gaming. 

Ghostbusters has influenced both comedy and horror alike and there is a very good reason for that. While some of the special effects in the movie are clearly dated, there are special effects that were so simple, but got the job done just fine, like Slimer. The green glob that was meant to be the ghost of John Belushi was a fantastic character down the line and also a very nice special effect that made sliming Venkman just that much more awesome. 

Every single Ghostbuster has their trademark personality, with Winston being more down-to-Earth and Egon being the more scientific and practically minded. Dan Aykroyd is the creatiive mind that originally thought up the Ghostbusters, mostly because he has a very strong bond with the concept of ghosts and the supernatural world. It was going to be set in the future where the Ghosbusters were already a part of the public relations and there are several teams. Instead, they came up with the origin story where Egon invents most of the technology from the start. 

The comedy in this film is just so well brought about because it feels spontaneous and natural. Ramis, Murray, Aykroyd and Hudson all work so well off of one another because they are serious about what is going on. Even when they don't believe it as much. Even when Bill Murray is trying to keep things like hearted, you can feel his fear when Slimer flies at him. 

There are too many iconic scenes in this film. From the "He slimed me" scene to the librarian scene, you would need to go through each and every single one and you could find a quote that people still say today: "Yes it's true, this man has no dick". There was a very good reason it hit theaters so hard and spawned its own franchise with a call for a sequel. They didn't even know that this was going to be as large of a success as it was, but there is still a very strong fanbase for Ghostbusters to this day.  

With a spotted sequel history, including a video game sequel, Ghostbusters stands on its own as a masterpiece that can be enjoyed by all ages. Even tiny children like this movie because it has a pace that is fast enough to keep your interest but slow enough to be enjoyed while in the background at a Halloween party. However you enjoy this movie, make sure to do it in a ghost-free environment and remember to drink water.

The Ring: Terror's Realm - Horror Version 0.002

Oh, wow, where to begin with this one? There is a reason this game made it to #1 on the worst Dreamcast games list, but I don't think you quite understand just how far it fell below those other games. Even Evil Dead, flawed as it was, was not as horrifically terrible as this game is. The worst thing about this game is that they expect you to follow this "story". There is nothing here that even resembles a lick of sense and they actually think you're even going to remember these characters' names after this? 

From what I understand, this is supposedly part of the Ring universe in Japan. The story is somewhere in there, but in this game, the experience is about as far gone from anything even remotely resembling what we know as "The Ring". Marketing ploys like this will kill just about any respect anyone was going to have for you, because now we're dealing with a computer program that sends you to another dimension. 

In this dimension, there are monsters and you shoot guns. Oh yes, it's just as dumb as it sounds. There is a much deeper story going on here, don't get me wrong. Try as hard as you can to pay attention to it. I double dog dare you to follow this story through all of the hours.... and hours.... and HOURS of talking. Seriously, keeping up with names, businesses, basically anything involving what is going on with this plot is like following algebra after reintroducing yourself to it 10 years after high school. 

It does not help that the game is absolutely abysmal to play. It is so boring. You move so slowly from one location to the next and just follow whatever the game tells you to do. At no point does this get any better throughout its entire duration and there is no way I could ever dream of beating it. This game defeated me after about four hours. I tried to cope with the horrible tank controls, as if Resident Evil controls were programmed by sloths deprived of sleep. 

The "horror" in this game is also undercut by a horribly annoying main character who just can't seem to get information through her skull. She seriously keeps asking so many questions that are irrelevant or not relevant enough to be interesting. She even undercuts the horror element! Seriously, you're walking down a long dark hallway and it's supposed to be all spooky and scary, but then she turns around and says "This is stupid! Where are the monsters!" And then the "monster" comes. If that wasn't bad enough, the monster looked like a guy in a bad gorilla costume. 

This game apparently wanted to be a scary comedy whatever of sorts, or that's just how bad the voice acting and character designs are. Seriously, looking these characters in the face will test your endurance for the uncanny valley on every front. The main character girl, with whom I can't be asked to even look up her name- oh, damn, it's Meg- is one of the few characters that doesn't make your stomach churn. Everyone else has lumps on their noses and eyes that bug out as if all of them were wearing far-sighted lenses but without the glasses or the lenses. The dialogue is downright comical when spoken out loud. Especially when the cop guy goes to Meg who passes out and asks "you okay?" It was just such a horrible delivery for the situation! He should be asking her questions, getting a paramedic, but no, they just stand around and talking about her while a guy picks her up. 

All of this begins when you get into a menu and pressing any option will make a squashing cartoon sound. It is a perfect representation of what you're about to witness. There really are no redeeming qualities about this game. The movement, the gameplay, the essoteric story latched onto a semi-popular franchise, all of it culminates to the fact that they really had no idea how to do Resident Evil, so we got this. The characters are bland stereotypes, the main character is annoying and boring, and you've pretty much can't find anything that will make you stick around. It does make you want to play other, better games but that's not a point in its favor. When all is said and done, I'd rather just watch the tape. 7 Virtua Days...

Nightmare House - Horror...ish

 Sometimes, there comes experiences that are easy to categorize, especially when it comes to horror games. They're either bad or they're great, at least most of the time. Nightmare House is a Source engine game that takes some physics from Half-life and sometimes it works but sometimes... it really doesn't. The game improves over time because it took years to do many segments of it, but really, Half-life basically already did this. 

You use the melee and the guns, you take down the zombies and you go through dark, foreboding areas in laboratories. Sometimes, you'll run into a ghost woman, much like you would run into G-Man in Half-life and she would vanish much like him. The game just doesn't really do anything to shake this up and it ends up kind of becoming Half-life from Temu.

That's not to say it's a terrible game. It has its high points, but as you play it, there just really isn't a great deal to keep you occupied. The atmosphere does its job well enough, it was just a little boring rather than suspenseful. The game was made with some heart, but you can see the edges of the painting and the cracks in the mirror at some points. This was obviously not a high budget AAA game, so not a lot of fault can be put upon it. 

It's just when the jank really starts to show, this game takes a bit of a dive. There are areas that just look so unfinished, and the glitches can take you out of the experience when they happen. They happen quite a bit, in case you're wondering. The graphics are crude, but also not especially nostalgic. Jumpscares and disappearing ghosts just can't really save it from looking like it wanted to take place on planet Xen. 

If you're in it to bash some zombies and look at some cheap scares, this is your baby. It's not especially enriching or all that fun, but it has its moments. It was on Steam for either nothing or next to nothing, so it was worth the cost to play it and the small bit of time you need to see if you like it. If you're looking for high quality, play Half-life or Left 4 Dead 2. Otherwise, chop up some zombies and knock over some cabinets with some passable physics. Go ahead, and remember to drink water.

Crash Storm #8 - Bioware Closed, and in Other News...

The fact that there is any clarification needed for this event is rather sad. Bioware released a travesty of a game that bombarded people with crap they don't care about with characters they actively hate. There was no official review for this game because there's no way we're sullying our computer with that filth in the first place, and the fact that it was going to flop was written on the wall as soon as the nonbinary aspect of the game was leaked through nuhre on her youtube channel. They tried to hide that little gem of dialogue from the public and said that it was lies. Then the game came out and all of it was the absolute truth. 

So, call me crazy, but very few people are going to care about this and even fewer people are going to remember this in about two weeks. It is very common knowledge that this was NOT the Bioware we grew up with through Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect. No, these were brand new people mixed with old people that bore no resemblance. After the flop that was Anthem, it was very obvious that they just dug their own grave with the lack of original lore of Dragon Age and complete change of the themes and character designs. The writing and dialogue was the steak through their hearts, it was disgustingly bad. 

So, no, there is no pity here for people who obviously took the toys to a different playset and decided they wanted to play their own game and we should just deal with it. We did deal with it, we didn't buy it. Now, Bioware is dead. Sucks to suck.

So, as the gaming crash goes on and on, we tend to realize that it takes some people a little more time to cope with the fact that changing back to normal. Now, how fast it changes back to normal and with what means we need to survive is all well and good, but now even the Critical Drinker, or Critical Gamer in this case, just came out and said it. The crash is happening and we're watching it implode in real time, to paraphrase. He obviously knew this was going on for a while now, and it's good to see he's speaking the truth. It's clear that there are reasons not to cover other reviewers, especially ones you don't respect. I do respect the Critical Drinker, he's got some writing chops and he's got a nice husky accent of the Scotts, which is always a plus. However, there is a reviewer that has seemed to have a fall from grace as of late. 

Speaking of the Critical Drinker, there is a bit of a Crash and Burn story that hits one of my very estranged youtubers. Former Channel Awesome youtuber, Angry Joe, or Jose Antonio Vargas, was actually a regular channel visit. His reviews weren't stellar, but around the time of his Mind Jack review is when I caught onto his channel. I found him funny along with his counterpart, Other Joe. Their bits made me laugh, and I could very much agree with a lot of his opinions, even when it wasn't all the time. 

Well, after he left Channel Awesome, his reviews began to see a bit of a downfall. Around 2014, he added a new regular cast member, started putting on a bit of weight, and started to show a bit of burnout. Fastforward to 2026 and the release of Supergirl, and all of the sudden, he's back in the spotlight and not in a way you would ever want to be. His opinions started to become more forceful and he started to bark orders at his followers to go watch Supergirl, claiming we may never get anymore content of her if we don't. He's always been an outspoken Superman fan, as seen in many of his Nostalgia Critic guest appearances, but as you watch the Man of Steel review, you see a man who is able to accept other opinions, while still being able to explain his own without sounding overly aggressive or pompous.

That man seems to have been lost underneath an increasingly more alarming amount of weight and X posts that shun basically anyone who disagrees with him. His feud with Asmongold has grown increasingly more heated while he simply shrugs Angry Joe off as a big fat baby who can't form a coherent argument to save his soul. It's really not so much that Angry Joe has never had his controversy in the past, but this is just like seeing a man watching his house light aflame. He starts yelling at it, cursing it and telling it to go out, but also sloshing large amounts of gasoline all over it, making it grow ever larger. 

For some reason, if you support Sweet Baby Inc, its affiliates and opinions, then you need to do so as forcefully and self destructively as possible while burning your own operation to the ground in the process. Angry Joe has lost thousands of subscribers through his constant badgering of their opinions and outright demanding that if they don't agree with him that they see the door. Well, Joe, it's really time to start asking yourself if it's worth it. Anita Sarkeesian has outright admitted that she has never been a gamer, nor does she have any interest in it. She's also made it clear that many of her subordinates would like to see the entertainment industry burn. Well, they sadly have been getting their wish because apparently entertainment executives are missing one or two braincells.

Friday the 13th (NES) - Get Ready to Walk and Stab!

Next up in the Virtua Month of Marz SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!! We'll be delving into a classic video game for both video game and horror fans. Friday the 13th stands as one of my favorite movie horror slasher series of all time. While this game is not based on the first Friday the 13th movie, it's based on Jason. So, you're playing as multiple camp counselors walking around Camp Crystal Lake and looking in the cabins for the killer in the hoekey mask. 

This game is a little ahead of its time in some regards. When you enter the cabins, it goes into a first person 3D perspective that you wouldn't expect from a Nintendo Entertainment System. These are the places you meet Jason first. You meet him in a third person perspective in the battle against him and it's really not all that difficult to kill him. That's not to say you couldn't have a bad run, but he's fairly easy to read. You can also run into him on the road around Camp Crystal Lake and fight him in more of a fighting game style perspective. 

Remember to get the knife. The rock and every other weapon in this game pales in comparison to the straight shooting knife. It kills Jason in a hurry and keeps you alive through a lot of conflicts. The battle system in this game isn't all that terrible. It's actually fairly dynamic and are the best parts of this game in general. 

The problem is that the rest of the game is rather boring, and very slow. Walking around the camp to find Jason is a dismal experience and it grows very tiresome because you need to defeat him multiple times. If they did a more linear experience, rather than running around a camp trying to search for some killer, this could have been a very effective horror game. 

It is kind of effective, mostly because when you're in the 3D parts of the game in the cabin, the soundtrack and the slow movement speed can create a very creepy environment. Jason can pop out of nowhere and scare the skin off of you. That is his best advantage. If he jumpscares you well enough, you may become a little frantic and lose your concentration. 

While this game is not very good, it did bring about quite a few awesome memes, both from its goofy nature of being a horror game for kids in the 80's, but also from the reviews including but not limited to the Angry Video Game Nerd, a Youtube series by James Rolfe. That was actually my introduction to AVGN video game reviews and I have been watching him ever since. The quotes from the game are iconic now, but so is Jason's silly color scheme with the blue and purple combination from the NES system's limited pallet. It can be a very creepy experience, but it can also be a big fat bore. Just don't tell Jason I said any of these things in the Virtua Month of Neptune SPOOO---AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 

Little Nightmares - Cannibals Need to Die

Next in the Virtua Month of Saturn SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!! We're taking a look at a horror game that almost immediately became a classic.There are times when indie games come out with something that has been done before, but it's done in such a style that it stands out simply for having very high style along with its substance. Little Nightmares is exactly what the title says, you are a little girl with a zippo lighter in a yellow raincoat and you are walking and navigating around a seriously abysmal landscape with horrific creatures that seem to be doing something with HORRIFIC implications. Children are going missing by the masses and you are finding out what happened to them as you crawl through the nooks and crannies of this post apocalyptic world you wake up in. 

The puzzles and platforming in this game are amazingly dynamic. Sometimes, it's just finding your way around weird rooms where you are like Santa's elf in a very large people's world. It is not the comparison of a child and an adult. It's a child among monsters. Each of these creatures have their own unique horrific quality about them. Going through the cooks' kitchen shows two twin cooks, but as you go around them, you realize the things on their heads are masks. We never get to see what they really look like. 

Running away from these monstrous beings is very viscerally scary. You find yourself really kind of panicking as you get away from them. The man with the long arms is one of the best segments of the game, especially when you finally take him down. It's a very satisfying victory. It's clear that all of these things want to eat you. If you get captured by one of the cooks, and they will throw you straight into the oven. It is clear that their sausages are made of similar material. 

The challenges in this game can get heightened to fairly ridiculous levels and some segments in the game are very difficult. This is especially true when the timing needs to be exact, like when you're sneaking around someone who is actively looking for you. Knowing where to bring things and what you can jump off of can mean a great deal when something is stomping toward you, able to open doors when you need to go through small holes or pipes.

Going through these levels, you see to what level they are taking children and you see how many of them are extremely hungry by the end of the game. When you get to the last parts of this game, you do some very questionable acts, especially when it comes to a very mysterious hunger your character has that needs to be satiated no matter what. When the large creatures gorging themselves on meat spot you, they will crawl over tables and over each other in order to get you. 

The ending is one of the greatest things about this game, because the gameplay with the mirror and the shadow woman is easy to figure out and needs to be timed just right. It's not too difficult but it is satisfying to pull off. When you gain her power, what you do to those who wronged the children is a bitter sweet experience for the player. This game was rather short, but it was a very fulfilling game to finish for a myriad of reasons. The graphics are simple, the gameplay is simple and the atmosphere is now iconic. It shows you that you can do some amazing things with little use of heavy graphics. Perhaps they should stick to games with gameplay and style rather than money being thrown at it. Virtua Zippo.

Crash Storm #7 - The Same Mistake Over and Over and Over

Well, as if we needed anymore proof that game publishers and developers have absolutely no foresight or even the slightest hint of self awareness. Over and over again, they are making the same mistake and making up excuses for why they constantly shoehorn in whatever they want for any game they make. Gears of War was just released and it has all of the earmarks of the problems we see in the gaming industry. What makes this one really sting some gamers' flanks is that it was actually a fairly decent game when it comes to game mechanics and graphics. There are glitches, yes, but it is not to the extent we have seen recently. You might expect this to be some kind of "return to form" (as tainted as that phrase has become) but the problem comes from the story and the characters. Much like Halo: Campaign Deformed, the gameplay has actually been pardoned, but there are so many things that ruined the experience. 

Now the main characters constantly talk to each other like grief counsellors. The Gears we loved throughout the first three games take a backseat to a new girl who not only has PTSD but also rust lung while yearning for the touch of another woman. Shoving in a woman with one blind eye, one deaf ear and a BREATHING MALFUNCTION should never have been a story included in this game. She is part of an elite force to fend off a clear and present danger. They would never accept someone who is an accident waiting to happen in the battlefield. This is a game about monstrous creatures and brutes are attempting to kill the human race and it is up to the Gears to stop them at all costs. Human moments where we learn about the characters on a personal level to some small degree should be included as a garnish. It should be a side bit of gravy that adds a bit of flavor. The entire dish should never be drenched in this gravy. It completely ruined all of it.

Our badass heroes are now feelings and love and sensitivity and it has gotten to the point where they may as well have created a completely different game. They obviously just wanted an entire army of women who shoot badguys but then go to immediate therapy sessions while the evil hordes continue to destroy the human race and burn their cities down. They even took the Locusts, those monstrous orc-like beings that come up to the surface of the planet to kill and destroy, and gave them voices with a human-like tribal culture like ritual sacrifices and blood-thirsty war cries. This is supposed to be a somewhat alien race that acts as a cancer to ours, they are not humans anymore, nor should they be given any sort of human-like agency. Rings of Power went full steam like that with the orcs and now they are paying for it in more lost viewership. 

So, if Wolverine made by women and Gears of War made by women with an entire barrage of gender propaganda flags wasn't bad enough for this little crash, now we have a leak that gives us no hope for the future of Halo. Someone leaked out that Activision is now in the process of creating a Halo game mainly featuring the lady they crammed into the Halo Remake. It was bad enough that she was created for some developers' girlboss fantasies but she was constantly stated as the worst part of that game and now they are tripling down on her with another entire development span of half a decade at the very least. If this leak is to be believed, it is fairly safe to write Activision off as a lost cause. 

This is why the crash is happening. This is why we are in the later early stages of games going under after a 400 million clams development over five to ten years. So many of us warned of this not being sustainable because it literally is not. Companies cannot waste so many labor hours without listening to the fanbase giving them money for their products, it has already reached a boiling point and this game crash is only going to get worse as the lights turn off and the doors close. Instead of trying to improve the games they are creating, they are making excuses and trying to play the victims of heavy workloads with very little time for rest. Well, I hate to be the one with the cold heart, but that is exactly what happens when you make a bad product. Factory workers who make mistakes, don't clean their parts and forget do the steps properly need to deal with the products being returned. If you didn't do the job right, then you have failed yourself and your customers. That is the bottom line, as heartless as it is.   

These people are just flat out not listening and we may as well say goodbye to the lot of them. Coalition, Insomniac, Naughty Dog, their days are severely numbered. They showed contempt for their player base, gaslit them, uglified their characters while saying they weren't, insulted and just downright condescended through gameplay and story, and for what? So they could try to make games for an audience that doesn't exist and serve a purpose that is only their own. If you thought that the AAA gaming industry gave a single care about your feelings or what you want out of a game, it is time to wake up. If the leak about Activision's plans for Halo are to be believed, then you may as well count them out of the race. Fable is going down the tubes along with them, and so will Horizon, it's only a matter of time. They can vamp and revamp all of it they want, but if they don't understand what players want or even give a toss about the story and lore, then that's their problem. As stated before, we have games that have already answered all of our prayers and another little playthrough is not going to hurt anything, especially if it's been a long time. Every single game they toss our way can and will be replaced by another, far superior title. That's the reality. If they can't see it, that's their Virtua Problem.

BloodRayne (2005) - The Water Allergic Vampire

In our next entry of the Spooky Virtua Month of SPEEWWWWWWWKINESS, we take a look at one of the abominations of the gaming movie horror genre.So, it's not so much a horror movie as it is an untententional comedy. Uwe Boll strikes a lesser known gaming franchise, BloodRayne, a game where you play as a vampire. I have never played it and have no idea if I ever want to. This film, however, is one of Uwe Boll's goofier attempts at the gaming movies. The world he built in this movie made no sense what-so-ever, the largest plothole is that vampires are apparently weak against water. No, not holy water, just water. Since blood has plenty of water in it and that is one of the dumbest weaknesses I have ever heard of for a vampire, we're already off to a great start. 

Kristana Loken is already in some gaming hot water for Mortal Kombat Conquest, starring in the first BloodRayne isn't helping her case. At least she only stuck to one. Loken is not especially bad in this movie. No, but everyone else has basically checked out, especially the late Michael Madsen. The combat is laughably bad, as is the blood and gore effects. Even Meatloaf is seen for a very short period in this movie and he just adds to the wackiness.

This is probably the worst movie I have ever seen Ben Kingsley in, and that's really saying something. He is a great actor, but he has starred in or co-starred in some pretty terrible films. I haven't seen them all but this one has not been topped yet. He gives no effort in his performance and is in the film for maybe a total of five minutes. He gives nothing to the film and his one scene with Loken is really, really dumb. That's not even getting into Michelle Rodriguez, who just plays the badass boss girl like she normally does. She pulls it off to an extent, but there's really not a great deal more to her character.

If you think really, really hard about this film, you can kind of think of a couple elements of it. There is a very shoehorned in love scene, also a really dumb artifact that makes a vampire immune to water. The mere fact that they are weak to water was ridiculous to begin with. Being weak against water technically kind of makes vampires weaker than human beings. The very idea that they would make that one of the center plots of the entire movie is just twice as baffling. It takes up the better part of the entire film. 

There's no such thing as subtlety in this film. Dialogue is overly straight foward to the point where it is unrealistic. People spout out exposition on a whim, Loken's character, Rayne, is a blank plank of wood and about as complex as a ten piece puzzle. She just goes on her journey the moment she hears about this eye that makes her immune to water and off she goes to find it. It's not especially hard to get, other than the extremely fast blade trap, but Rayne beats it immediately. 

Every element of this movie is poorly made, from the computer generated images to the practical effects. It's worth watching if you're in it for the "so bad it's good" quality. In that case, you will probably get what you came for. The dialogue is so comically bad that simple ruses work on evil henchmen and guards. When it's convenient for the plot, people die on a whim and Rayne doesn't really seem to have a great deal of trouble when it comes to combat and escaping dire situations. It's infamous for how bad it is... but sadly, it is the greatest movie in the BloodRayne trilogy... yeah, chew on that for a moment. Virtua Vampire Nightmare. 

Splatterhouse 2 - Bash and Smash the Cool Way!

 

Next up in the Halloween Virtua Neptune SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES we have an old green blood gushing beat'em up! Splatterhouse has been an old gaming favorite for a very long time and when you play it for yourself, you can actually see why. Splatterhouse and all of its sequels have a theme and they have their mechanics and Splatterhouse 2 uses both very well. The scenery is disgusting, horrific and you're not really much better. In fact, you look like that one Freddy Michael Kruger Vorheese guy. You're going into a haunted toxic house and go through the worst of the worst toxic monsters with your fists! 

That's right, you're just punching your way through monsters. At first, they're just one hit wonders as you punch them in half. Then, they begin to become more and more grotesque and it takes more punches and some improvised weapons to kill them and splatter them across walls. The horrific creatures are just as macabre as you could want and punching them apart is very satisfying. 

Now, the levels can get very challenging, but your punch is very powerful. It not only does damage, but it pushes the monsters back. It's really all about timing. Either having to jump or punch at the right time, you can prevent damage from happening. This is very helpful when the creatures LUNGE at you at a moment's notice. It's all about reading their cues and just making them burst with monster juice. 

When you get the weapons, things get even more interesting, as it makes damage multiplied and often kills the smaller monsters in one shot. The bloody gory manner with which it happens is hilarious. Still, even with the weapons, you need to be on your guard and time your attacks. That is a constant throughout levels and you need to know which color monsters punch first or jump first or what happens. Then you need to avoid spikes on the ground, both stationary and perpetually contracting and retracting into the ground in a pattern that you either jump to, or down you go.

Bosses are no different, other than the fact that you just need to learn a different pattern of attack and when you can do damage. The monsters you face are really cool looking, though they can also be a major pain in the ass. Sometimes, you just make tiny mistakes and they end up costing you an entire heart. Thankfully, it doesn't start you at the very beginning if you die, but it will set you back. The game isn't too unforgiving, but some runs will always be better than others and you just need to give it that old gamer elbow grease. 

Splatterhouse earns its place in gaming legend as an old horror favorite beat'em up. If they are your jam, this one doesn't waste your time and it makes you want to play it. It is one of those fun, addictive games that can possibly take up your quarters if you caught it at an arcade back in the 90's. It's a simple story with a simple set of mechanics that lavish in that arena of easy to learn and hard to master. Give any of the Splatterhouse games a try and make it gush with Virtua Spinal Fluid!!!