Crash Storm #9 - Bungie's Deal Sucks and so do Game Awards

So, without fail, once again, a large publisher's apology is followed up by a large amount of luggage attached that everyone needs to sort through and decipher for themsleves. Everyone knows that Marathon is not doing well, at least those small few that still remember it exists. They put all of their tokens into a new live service game that no one asked for and then put their fists on their hips like an expectant mother. When we did not eat this crap with our vegies and their numbers sank quicker than you could say Bob's your uncle. 

So, then they come out and make a statement: If we do not buy Marathon and give it sales, we may not get all of the cool stuff BACK from Destiny 2 that they removed from the game in the first place. You know, all of those things that people paid money for and should have been able to keep? Yeah, he very stupidly worded it too. Well, fan backlash was about what you'd expect. This was a bit of fine print that didn't seem to be in their very heartfelt and I'm sure very genuine apology that they made very recently. 

So, not only has Activision shown signs of using their new boss lady in the new Halo game they're... possiibly making, but now they're telling us we're not getting their goodies until we start paying up. Well, color me surprised. It'll wash off as a lie, but seriously, they apparently must have thought they were being clever... again. Of course, they felt the heat from the public and immediately backtracked. It turns out we're just too stupid to understand what he meant and they meant of course they'll get right to work on Destiny 2, right away, good sir. Yes sir. 

When has this strategy of business ever worked? How many times will the AAA gaming industry do this type of garbage? Is the industry just going to be a bunch of games that we look at and get judged if we don't slobber them with praise? Will they become loansharks that threaten to break our kneecaps if we don't buy whatever they dump into the trough?

They have outright lied to us, attempted to extort us, outright stolen from us without a means of refunding and gone to enormous lengths to pay game journalists to glaze their games with praise. How does any of this cast them in a good light? Half of this was in the attempt at damage control for many of their lies being exposed. They pile more lies on top of those lies, change their story on a whim and they hold out their palms in order for us to pass them a cool 80 to 100 clams. It's apparently just common courtesy to pay them for insulting our intelligence. 

It's like reviewing the movie Groundhog Day in realtime. It seems like everytime one of these Crash Storms are released, they're outright lying to us while telling us they're not. It's getting a little hard to reword this stuff when it happens as often as the moon is visible at night. With all of the bots having a blast with Wolverine and sucking inhalers while taking over storylines, we really are receiving a lot of desperate pleas as these huge tanker ships continue to sink. Ubisoft lied themselves into an early grave, Bethesda is feeling the heat, especially after Id was decimated, now more are bobbing beneath the surface. 

So, of course, with gaming studios closing, game prices going up and interest at an all time low, let's give these studios some awards! Yes, because these achievements being met just SCREAM for an award of some kind. The AAA gaming industry patting themselves on the back is starting to look just as pathetic as actors telling us how to vote. It's becoming easier to point out industry shoe-ins and which games are playing to the tune of getting these awards through the proper check marks that we're becoming all too familiar with. 

The joke truly is, ironically, no one pays attention to them, nor respect them in any tangible sense. The choices for these awards very rarely reflect the fans' opinions and it all just boils down to who got paid. Yes, getting packages and free hotel stays from companies to sway your opinion is morally and objectively wrong. This is hardly a professional journalism site by any stretch of the imagination, but at least these are opinions and details that come from a gamer and someone who can bring about more informed and truthful points of view. If you don't like a game and yet you are calling your readers names for not purchasing it, you are wrong and there is a very large, fat part of my ass that you can kiss. Yes, that was a professional line right there.

Mixtape is the biggest title that is going to be talked about for several reasons. A game with millions upon millions of space clams backing it with billions on standby was apparently made by an indie studio. Many will tell you that this is because the lead developer is a woman who came from her father's gargantuan amounts of money. We could probably call this video game and gaming studio her welcome home gift from that time she went on her fifth vacation for the year. 

The Golden Joystick will probably give it Game of the Year because of course they will. They need that cash cow of a developer who sweats golden coins, so you can see it topping the charts while games like Crimson Desert and Ace Combat 8, that many gamers actually enjoy, will go unnoticed. Yes, all of the hard work and development only matters if it's for a DEI checkbox game that's failing. If that's the case, then you're a racist or whatever and you just don't respect their hard work and dedication. If it's someone like Hogwarts Legacy or someone who doesn't agree with us, then they are evil and their work is for Satan! 

Yes, all of it makes sense.That's why these predictions will come true. We can just let them break their cassette tapes and act like they're from the 90's. It matters because it does. Grok it.

Ghostbusters 1984 - A Halloween Tradition

 Everyone has the movie set they like to watch during the holiday seasons. Even Thanksgiving has traditions with movies and even TV shows like Friends. Ghostbusters is probably one of the most perfect movies to watch duing Halloween and that's just the tip of the iceberg on my playlist during the Saturn Month of Virtua SPOOOOO
OOOOOOOKIES!!! But it's perfect for capping off another Halloween. Hopefully it was full of costumes, scares and loved ones. And gaming, hopefully some gaming. 

Ghostbusters has influenced both comedy and horror alike and there is a very good reason for that. While some of the special effects in the movie are clearly dated, there are special effects that were so simple, but got the job done just fine, like Slimer. The green glob that was meant to be the ghost of John Belushi was a fantastic character down the line and also a very nice special effect that made sliming Venkman just that much more awesome. 

Every single Ghostbuster has their trademark personality, with Winston being more down-to-Earth and Egon being the more scientific and practically minded. Dan Aykroyd is the creatiive mind that originally thought up the Ghostbusters, mostly because he has a very strong bond with the concept of ghosts and the supernatural world. It was going to be set in the future where the Ghosbusters were already a part of the public relations and there are several teams. Instead, they came up with the origin story where Egon invents most of the technology from the start. 

The comedy in this film is just so well brought about because it feels spontaneous and natural. Ramis, Murray, Aykroyd and Hudson all work so well off of one another because they are serious about what is going on. Even when they don't believe it as much. Even when Bill Murray is trying to keep things like hearted, you can feel his fear when Slimer flies at him. 

There are too many iconic scenes in this film. From the "He slimed me" scene to the librarian scene, you would need to go through each and every single one and you could find a quote that people still say today: "Yes it's true, this man has no dick". There was a very good reason it hit theaters so hard and spawned its own franchise with a call for a sequel. They didn't even know that this was going to be as large of a success as it was, but there is still a very strong fanbase for Ghostbusters to this day.  

With a spotted sequel history, including a video game sequel, Ghostbusters stands on its own as a masterpiece that can be enjoyed by all ages. Even tiny children like this movie because it has a pace that is fast enough to keep your interest but slow enough to be enjoyed while in the background at a Halloween party. However you enjoy this movie, make sure to do it in a ghost-free environment and remember to drink water.

The Ring: Terror's Realm - Horror Version 0.002

Oh, wow, where to begin with this one? There is a reason this game made it to #1 on the worst Dreamcast games list, but I don't think you quite understand just how far it fell below those other games. Even Evil Dead, flawed as it was, was not as horrifically terrible as this game is. The worst thing about this game is that they expect you to follow this "story". There is nothing here that even resembles a lick of sense and they actually think you're even going to remember these characters' names after this? 

From what I understand, this is supposedly part of the Ring universe in Japan. The story is somewhere in there, but in this game, the experience is about as far gone from anything even remotely resembling what we know as "The Ring". Marketing ploys like this will kill just about any respect anyone was going to have for you, because now we're dealing with a computer program that sends you to another dimension. 

In this dimension, there are monsters and you shoot guns. Oh yes, it's just as dumb as it sounds. There is a much deeper story going on here, don't get me wrong. Try as hard as you can to pay attention to it. I double dog dare you to follow this story through all of the hours.... and hours.... and HOURS of talking. Seriously, keeping up with names, businesses, basically anything involving what is going on with this plot is like following algebra after reintroducing yourself to it 10 years after high school. 

It does not help that the game is absolutely abysmal to play. It is so boring. You move so slowly from one location to the next and just follow whatever the game tells you to do. At no point does this get any better throughout its entire duration and there is no way I could ever dream of beating it. This game defeated me after about four hours. I tried to cope with the horrible tank controls, as if Resident Evil controls were programmed by sloths deprived of sleep. 

The "horror" in this game is also undercut by a horribly annoying main character who just can't seem to get information through her skull. She seriously keeps asking so many questions that are irrelevant or not relevant enough to be interesting. She even undercuts the horror element! Seriously, you're walking down a long dark hallway and it's supposed to be all spooky and scary, but then she turns around and says "This is stupid! Where are the monsters!" And then the "monster" comes. If that wasn't bad enough, the monster looked like a guy in a bad gorilla costume. 

This game apparently wanted to be a scary comedy whatever of sorts, or that's just how bad the voice acting and character designs are. Seriously, looking these characters in the face will test your endurance for the uncanny valley on every front. The main character girl, with whom I can't be asked to even look up her name- oh, damn, it's Meg- is one of the few characters that doesn't make your stomach churn. Everyone else has lumps on their noses and eyes that bug out as if all of them were wearing far-sighted lenses but without the glasses or the lenses. The dialogue is downright comical when spoken out loud. Especially when the cop guy goes to Meg who passes out and asks "you okay?" It was just such a horrible delivery for the situation! He should be asking her questions, getting a paramedic, but no, they just stand around and talking about her while a guy picks her up. 

All of this begins when you get into a menu and pressing any option will make a squashing cartoon sound. It is a perfect representation of what you're about to witness. There really are no redeeming qualities about this game. The movement, the gameplay, the essoteric story latched onto a semi-popular franchise, all of it culminates to the fact that they really had no idea how to do Resident Evil, so we got this. The characters are bland stereotypes, the main character is annoying and boring, and you've pretty much can't find anything that will make you stick around. It does make you want to play other, better games but that's not a point in its favor. When all is said and done, I'd rather just watch the tape. 7 Virtua Days...

Nightmare House - Horror...ish

 Sometimes, there comes experiences that are easy to categorize, especially when it comes to horror games. They're either bad or they're great, at least most of the time. Nightmare House is a Source engine game that takes some physics from Half-life and sometimes it works but sometimes... it really doesn't. The game improves over time because it took years to do many segments of it, but really, Half-life basically already did this. 

You use the melee and the guns, you take down the zombies and you go through dark, foreboding areas in laboratories. Sometimes, you'll run into a ghost woman, much like you would run into G-Man in Half-life and she would vanish much like him. The game just doesn't really do anything to shake this up and it ends up kind of becoming Half-life from Temu.

That's not to say it's a terrible game. It has its high points, but as you play it, there just really isn't a great deal to keep you occupied. The atmosphere does its job well enough, it was just a little boring rather than suspenseful. The game was made with some heart, but you can see the edges of the painting and the cracks in the mirror at some points. This was obviously not a high budget AAA game, so not a lot of fault can be put upon it. 

It's just when the jank really starts to show, this game takes a bit of a dive. There are areas that just look so unfinished, and the glitches can take you out of the experience when they happen. They happen quite a bit, in case you're wondering. The graphics are crude, but also not especially nostalgic. Jumpscares and disappearing ghosts just can't really save it from looking like it wanted to take place on planet Xen. 

If you're in it to bash some zombies and look at some cheap scares, this is your baby. It's not especially enriching or all that fun, but it has its moments. It was on Steam for either nothing or next to nothing, so it was worth the cost to play it and the small bit of time you need to see if you like it. If you're looking for high quality, play Half-life or Left 4 Dead 2. Otherwise, chop up some zombies and knock over some cabinets with some passable physics. Go ahead, and remember to drink water.

Crash Storm #8 - Bioware Closed, and in Other News...

The fact that there is any clarification needed for this event is rather sad. Bioware released a travesty of a game that bombarded people with crap they don't care about with characters they actively hate. There was no official review for this game because there's no way we're sullying our computer with that filth in the first place, and the fact that it was going to flop was written on the wall as soon as the nonbinary aspect of the game was leaked through nuhre on her youtube channel. They tried to hide that little gem of dialogue from the public and said that it was lies. Then the game came out and all of it was the absolute truth. 

So, call me crazy, but very few people are going to care about this and even fewer people are going to remember this in about two weeks. It is very common knowledge that this was NOT the Bioware we grew up with through Knights of the Old Republic and Mass Effect. No, these were brand new people mixed with old people that bore no resemblance. After the flop that was Anthem, it was very obvious that they just dug their own grave with the lack of original lore of Dragon Age and complete change of the themes and character designs. The writing and dialogue was the steak through their hearts, it was disgustingly bad. 

So, no, there is no pity here for people who obviously took the toys to a different playset and decided they wanted to play their own game and we should just deal with it. We did deal with it, we didn't buy it. Now, Bioware is dead. Sucks to suck.

So, as the gaming crash goes on and on, we tend to realize that it takes some people a little more time to cope with the fact that changing back to normal. Now, how fast it changes back to normal and with what means we need to survive is all well and good, but now even the Critical Drinker, or Critical Gamer in this case, just came out and said it. The crash is happening and we're watching it implode in real time, to paraphrase. He obviously knew this was going on for a while now, and it's good to see he's speaking the truth. It's clear that there are reasons not to cover other reviewers, especially ones you don't respect. I do respect the Critical Drinker, he's got some writing chops and he's got a nice husky accent of the Scotts, which is always a plus. However, there is a reviewer that has seemed to have a fall from grace as of late. 

Speaking of the Critical Drinker, there is a bit of a Crash and Burn story that hits one of my very estranged youtubers. Former Channel Awesome youtuber, Angry Joe, or Jose Antonio Vargas, was actually a regular channel visit. His reviews weren't stellar, but around the time of his Mind Jack review is when I caught onto his channel. I found him funny along with his counterpart, Other Joe. Their bits made me laugh, and I could very much agree with a lot of his opinions, even when it wasn't all the time. 

Well, after he left Channel Awesome, his reviews began to see a bit of a downfall. Around 2014, he added a new regular cast member, started putting on a bit of weight, and started to show a bit of burnout. Fastforward to 2026 and the release of Supergirl, and all of the sudden, he's back in the spotlight and not in a way you would ever want to be. His opinions started to become more forceful and he started to bark orders at his followers to go watch Supergirl, claiming we may never get anymore content of her if we don't. He's always been an outspoken Superman fan, as seen in many of his Nostalgia Critic guest appearances, but as you watch the Man of Steel review, you see a man who is able to accept other opinions, while still being able to explain his own without sounding overly aggressive or pompous.

That man seems to have been lost underneath an increasingly more alarming amount of weight and X posts that shun basically anyone who disagrees with him. His feud with Asmongold has grown increasingly more heated while he simply shrugs Angry Joe off as a big fat baby who can't form a coherent argument to save his soul. It's really not so much that Angry Joe has never had his controversy in the past, but this is just like seeing a man watching his house light aflame. He starts yelling at it, cursing it and telling it to go out, but also sloshing large amounts of gasoline all over it, making it grow ever larger. 

For some reason, if you support Sweet Baby Inc, its affiliates and opinions, then you need to do so as forcefully and self destructively as possible while burning your own operation to the ground in the process. Angry Joe has lost thousands of subscribers through his constant badgering of their opinions and outright demanding that if they don't agree with him that they see the door. Well, Joe, it's really time to start asking yourself if it's worth it. Anita Sarkeesian has outright admitted that she has never been a gamer, nor does she have any interest in it. She's also made it clear that many of her subordinates would like to see the entertainment industry burn. Well, they sadly have been getting their wish because apparently entertainment executives are missing one or two braincells.

Friday the 13th (NES) - Get Ready to Walk and Stab!

Next up in the Virtua Month of Marz SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!! We'll be delving into a classic video game for both video game and horror fans. Friday the 13th stands as one of my favorite movie horror slasher series of all time. While this game is not based on the first Friday the 13th movie, it's based on Jason. So, you're playing as multiple camp counselors walking around Camp Crystal Lake and looking in the cabins for the killer in the hoekey mask. 

This game is a little ahead of its time in some regards. When you enter the cabins, it goes into a first person 3D perspective that you wouldn't expect from a Nintendo Entertainment System. These are the places you meet Jason first. You meet him in a third person perspective in the battle against him and it's really not all that difficult to kill him. That's not to say you couldn't have a bad run, but he's fairly easy to read. You can also run into him on the road around Camp Crystal Lake and fight him in more of a fighting game style perspective. 

Remember to get the knife. The rock and every other weapon in this game pales in comparison to the straight shooting knife. It kills Jason in a hurry and keeps you alive through a lot of conflicts. The battle system in this game isn't all that terrible. It's actually fairly dynamic and are the best parts of this game in general. 

The problem is that the rest of the game is rather boring, and very slow. Walking around the camp to find Jason is a dismal experience and it grows very tiresome because you need to defeat him multiple times. If they did a more linear experience, rather than running around a camp trying to search for some killer, this could have been a very effective horror game. 

It is kind of effective, mostly because when you're in the 3D parts of the game in the cabin, the soundtrack and the slow movement speed can create a very creepy environment. Jason can pop out of nowhere and scare the skin off of you. That is his best advantage. If he jumpscares you well enough, you may become a little frantic and lose your concentration. 

While this game is not very good, it did bring about quite a few awesome memes, both from its goofy nature of being a horror game for kids in the 80's, but also from the reviews including but not limited to the Angry Video Game Nerd, a Youtube series by James Rolfe. That was actually my introduction to AVGN video game reviews and I have been watching him ever since. The quotes from the game are iconic now, but so is Jason's silly color scheme with the blue and purple combination from the NES system's limited pallet. It can be a very creepy experience, but it can also be a big fat bore. Just don't tell Jason I said any of these things in the Virtua Month of Neptune SPOOO---AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 

Little Nightmares - Cannibals Need to Die

Next in the Virtua Month of Saturn SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!! We're taking a look at a horror game that almost immediately became a classic.There are times when indie games come out with something that has been done before, but it's done in such a style that it stands out simply for having very high style along with its substance. Little Nightmares is exactly what the title says, you are a little girl with a zippo lighter in a yellow raincoat and you are walking and navigating around a seriously abysmal landscape with horrific creatures that seem to be doing something with HORRIFIC implications. Children are going missing by the masses and you are finding out what happened to them as you crawl through the nooks and crannies of this post apocalyptic world you wake up in. 

The puzzles and platforming in this game are amazingly dynamic. Sometimes, it's just finding your way around weird rooms where you are like Santa's elf in a very large people's world. It is not the comparison of a child and an adult. It's a child among monsters. Each of these creatures have their own unique horrific quality about them. Going through the cooks' kitchen shows two twin cooks, but as you go around them, you realize the things on their heads are masks. We never get to see what they really look like. 

Running away from these monstrous beings is very viscerally scary. You find yourself really kind of panicking as you get away from them. The man with the long arms is one of the best segments of the game, especially when you finally take him down. It's a very satisfying victory. It's clear that all of these things want to eat you. If you get captured by one of the cooks, and they will throw you straight into the oven. It is clear that their sausages are made of similar material. 

The challenges in this game can get heightened to fairly ridiculous levels and some segments in the game are very difficult. This is especially true when the timing needs to be exact, like when you're sneaking around someone who is actively looking for you. Knowing where to bring things and what you can jump off of can mean a great deal when something is stomping toward you, able to open doors when you need to go through small holes or pipes.

Going through these levels, you see to what level they are taking children and you see how many of them are extremely hungry by the end of the game. When you get to the last parts of this game, you do some very questionable acts, especially when it comes to a very mysterious hunger your character has that needs to be satiated no matter what. When the large creatures gorging themselves on meat spot you, they will crawl over tables and over each other in order to get you. 

The ending is one of the greatest things about this game, because the gameplay with the mirror and the shadow woman is easy to figure out and needs to be timed just right. It's not too difficult but it is satisfying to pull off. When you gain her power, what you do to those who wronged the children is a bitter sweet experience for the player. This game was rather short, but it was a very fulfilling game to finish for a myriad of reasons. The graphics are simple, the gameplay is simple and the atmosphere is now iconic. It shows you that you can do some amazing things with little use of heavy graphics. Perhaps they should stick to games with gameplay and style rather than money being thrown at it. Virtua Zippo.

Crash Storm #7 - The Same Mistake Over and Over and Over

Well, as if we needed anymore proof that game publishers and developers have absolutely no foresight or even the slightest hint of self awareness. Over and over again, they are making the same mistake and making up excuses for why they constantly shoehorn in whatever they want for any game they make. Gears of War was just released and it has all of the earmarks of the problems we see in the gaming industry. What makes this one really sting some gamers' flanks is that it was actually a fairly decent game when it comes to game mechanics and graphics. There are glitches, yes, but it is not to the extent we have seen recently. You might expect this to be some kind of "return to form" (as tainted as that phrase has become) but the problem comes from the story and the characters. Much like Halo: Campaign Deformed, the gameplay has actually been pardoned, but there are so many things that ruined the experience. 

Now the main characters constantly talk to each other like grief counsellors. The Gears we loved throughout the first three games take a backseat to a new girl who not only has PTSD but also rust lung while yearning for the touch of another woman. Shoving in a woman with one blind eye, one deaf ear and a BREATHING MALFUNCTION should never have been a story included in this game. She is part of an elite force to fend off a clear and present danger. They would never accept someone who is an accident waiting to happen in the battlefield. This is a game about monstrous creatures and brutes are attempting to kill the human race and it is up to the Gears to stop them at all costs. Human moments where we learn about the characters on a personal level to some small degree should be included as a garnish. It should be a side bit of gravy that adds a bit of flavor. The entire dish should never be drenched in this gravy. It completely ruined all of it.

Our badass heroes are now feelings and love and sensitivity and it has gotten to the point where they may as well have created a completely different game. They obviously just wanted an entire army of women who shoot badguys but then go to immediate therapy sessions while the evil hordes continue to destroy the human race and burn their cities down. They even took the Locusts, those monstrous orc-like beings that come up to the surface of the planet to kill and destroy, and gave them voices with a human-like tribal culture like ritual sacrifices and blood-thirsty war cries. This is supposed to be a somewhat alien race that acts as a cancer to ours, they are not humans anymore, nor should they be given any sort of human-like agency. Rings of Power went full steam like that with the orcs and now they are paying for it in more lost viewership. 

So, if Wolverine made by women and Gears of War made by women with an entire barrage of gender propaganda flags wasn't bad enough for this little crash, now we have a leak that gives us no hope for the future of Halo. Someone leaked out that Activision is now in the process of creating a Halo game mainly featuring the lady they crammed into the Halo Remake. It was bad enough that she was created for some developers' girlboss fantasies but she was constantly stated as the worst part of that game and now they are tripling down on her with another entire development span of half a decade at the very least. If this leak is to be believed, it is fairly safe to write Activision off as a lost cause. 

This is why the crash is happening. This is why we are in the later early stages of games going under after a 400 million clams development over five to ten years. So many of us warned of this not being sustainable because it literally is not. Companies cannot waste so many labor hours without listening to the fanbase giving them money for their products, it has already reached a boiling point and this game crash is only going to get worse as the lights turn off and the doors close. Instead of trying to improve the games they are creating, they are making excuses and trying to play the victims of heavy workloads with very little time for rest. Well, I hate to be the one with the cold heart, but that is exactly what happens when you make a bad product. Factory workers who make mistakes, don't clean their parts and forget do the steps properly need to deal with the products being returned. If you didn't do the job right, then you have failed yourself and your customers. That is the bottom line, as heartless as it is.   

These people are just flat out not listening and we may as well say goodbye to the lot of them. Coalition, Insomniac, Naughty Dog, their days are severely numbered. They showed contempt for their player base, gaslit them, uglified their characters while saying they weren't, insulted and just downright condescended through gameplay and story, and for what? So they could try to make games for an audience that doesn't exist and serve a purpose that is only their own. If you thought that the AAA gaming industry gave a single care about your feelings or what you want out of a game, it is time to wake up. If the leak about Activision's plans for Halo are to be believed, then you may as well count them out of the race. Fable is going down the tubes along with them, and so will Horizon, it's only a matter of time. They can vamp and revamp all of it they want, but if they don't understand what players want or even give a toss about the story and lore, then that's their problem. As stated before, we have games that have already answered all of our prayers and another little playthrough is not going to hurt anything, especially if it's been a long time. Every single game they toss our way can and will be replaced by another, far superior title. That's the reality. If they can't see it, that's their Virtua Problem.

BloodRayne (2005) - The Water Allergic Vampire

In our next entry of the Spooky Virtua Month of SPEEWWWWWWWKINESS, we take a look at one of the abominations of the gaming movie horror genre.So, it's not so much a horror movie as it is an untententional comedy. Uwe Boll strikes a lesser known gaming franchise, BloodRayne, a game where you play as a vampire. I have never played it and have no idea if I ever want to. This film, however, is one of Uwe Boll's goofier attempts at the gaming movies. The world he built in this movie made no sense what-so-ever, the largest plothole is that vampires are apparently weak against water. No, not holy water, just water. Since blood has plenty of water in it and that is one of the dumbest weaknesses I have ever heard of for a vampire, we're already off to a great start. 

Kristana Loken is already in some gaming hot water for Mortal Kombat Conquest, starring in the first BloodRayne isn't helping her case. At least she only stuck to one. Loken is not especially bad in this movie. No, but everyone else has basically checked out, especially the late Michael Madsen. The combat is laughably bad, as is the blood and gore effects. Even Meatloaf is seen for a very short period in this movie and he just adds to the wackiness.

This is probably the worst movie I have ever seen Ben Kingsley in, and that's really saying something. He is a great actor, but he has starred in or co-starred in some pretty terrible films. I haven't seen them all but this one has not been topped yet. He gives no effort in his performance and is in the film for maybe a total of five minutes. He gives nothing to the film and his one scene with Loken is really, really dumb. That's not even getting into Michelle Rodriguez, who just plays the badass boss girl like she normally does. She pulls it off to an extent, but there's really not a great deal more to her character.

If you think really, really hard about this film, you can kind of think of a couple elements of it. There is a very shoehorned in love scene, also a really dumb artifact that makes a vampire immune to water. The mere fact that they are weak to water was ridiculous to begin with. Being weak against water technically kind of makes vampires weaker than human beings. The very idea that they would make that one of the center plots of the entire movie is just twice as baffling. It takes up the better part of the entire film. 

There's no such thing as subtlety in this film. Dialogue is overly straight foward to the point where it is unrealistic. People spout out exposition on a whim, Loken's character, Rayne, is a blank plank of wood and about as complex as a ten piece puzzle. She just goes on her journey the moment she hears about this eye that makes her immune to water and off she goes to find it. It's not especially hard to get, other than the extremely fast blade trap, but Rayne beats it immediately. 

Every element of this movie is poorly made, from the computer generated images to the practical effects. It's worth watching if you're in it for the "so bad it's good" quality. In that case, you will probably get what you came for. The dialogue is so comically bad that simple ruses work on evil henchmen and guards. When it's convenient for the plot, people die on a whim and Rayne doesn't really seem to have a great deal of trouble when it comes to combat and escaping dire situations. It's infamous for how bad it is... but sadly, it is the greatest movie in the BloodRayne trilogy... yeah, chew on that for a moment. Virtua Vampire Nightmare. 

Splatterhouse 2 - Bash and Smash the Cool Way!

 

Next up in the Halloween Virtua Neptune SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES we have an old green blood gushing beat'em up! Splatterhouse has been an old gaming favorite for a very long time and when you play it for yourself, you can actually see why. Splatterhouse and all of its sequels have a theme and they have their mechanics and Splatterhouse 2 uses both very well. The scenery is disgusting, horrific and you're not really much better. In fact, you look like that one Freddy Michael Kruger Vorheese guy. You're going into a haunted toxic house and go through the worst of the worst toxic monsters with your fists! 

That's right, you're just punching your way through monsters. At first, they're just one hit wonders as you punch them in half. Then, they begin to become more and more grotesque and it takes more punches and some improvised weapons to kill them and splatter them across walls. The horrific creatures are just as macabre as you could want and punching them apart is very satisfying. 

Now, the levels can get very challenging, but your punch is very powerful. It not only does damage, but it pushes the monsters back. It's really all about timing. Either having to jump or punch at the right time, you can prevent damage from happening. This is very helpful when the creatures LUNGE at you at a moment's notice. It's all about reading their cues and just making them burst with monster juice. 

When you get the weapons, things get even more interesting, as it makes damage multiplied and often kills the smaller monsters in one shot. The bloody gory manner with which it happens is hilarious. Still, even with the weapons, you need to be on your guard and time your attacks. That is a constant throughout levels and you need to know which color monsters punch first or jump first or what happens. Then you need to avoid spikes on the ground, both stationary and perpetually contracting and retracting into the ground in a pattern that you either jump to, or down you go.

Bosses are no different, other than the fact that you just need to learn a different pattern of attack and when you can do damage. The monsters you face are really cool looking, though they can also be a major pain in the ass. Sometimes, you just make tiny mistakes and they end up costing you an entire heart. Thankfully, it doesn't start you at the very beginning if you die, but it will set you back. The game isn't too unforgiving, but some runs will always be better than others and you just need to give it that old gamer elbow grease. 

Splatterhouse earns its place in gaming legend as an old horror favorite beat'em up. If they are your jam, this one doesn't waste your time and it makes you want to play it. It is one of those fun, addictive games that can possibly take up your quarters if you caught it at an arcade back in the 90's. It's a simple story with a simple set of mechanics that lavish in that arena of easy to learn and hard to master. Give any of the Splatterhouse games a try and make it gush with Virtua Spinal Fluid!!!

The House of the Dead (2003) - Zombie Brain Garbage

We're kicking off the Season of Planet Virtua SPEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWKIES 2026 with another movie that's so bad it's SCARY... and funny. Make sure to make this Halloween a great one and get ready for Planet Virtua's greatest SPOOOOOOOOOOOOKY yet! 

 So, after we've already covered Uwe Boll as a director, let's see one of the bigger lumps of garbage in his can. The House of the Dead was a very popular arcade game, and still has a nice cult following by retro gaming enthusiasts, so a movie or a TV series was not too far of a stretch to think about. The problem was that Sega not only allowed their logo all over a rave happening on a random island where everyone basically gets massacred by zombies, but also apparently gave Boll full creative freedom to make this movie and it shows. This is among one of the worst zombie movies and even worst video game movies for a myriad of reasons. It all begins with some of the worst "main characters" you'll ever see on screen in your life. 

It starts with narration... yes, one of the main characters narrates and tells us about the group of friends he runs with. Guess what? Literally none of it is important or ever comes up again, so this was all a big wasted effort. They come to the island for the rave party with SEGA's full endorsement all over it. To say that the acting is bad would be like saying a desert can get rather toasty. One thing you'll learn about Uwe Boll films is that he does not know nor does he care about the aspect of acting in his films. Even horror movie veteran, Clint Howard, was a terribly implimented aspect that could have been left out with no consequences. Sure, he's one of the more entertaining aspects with his terrible acting and nonsensical choices, but it really comes to nothing.

One character that revereses this dynamic was a sea captain who decides to become a badass halfway through the movie. He gives no shits about the plot, nor does he show any fear before he starts gunning down zombies left and right. All of the characters shoot zombies in this film. If they had more than four lines in the runtime, they at least kill a couple of them before they gets mowed down. The extras and the more minor roles in the film were given no care before they blurt out their lines and then methodically slaughtered. 

Not a single care was given to linking this horrific film (not horror film) to the games. The agents from the game show up somewhere near the end and there's some plot about a zombie doctor creating more zombies, but it is so glossed over, it is more background noise in this very loud movie. An Uwe Boll plot in his movies is like a fifth wheel on a broken down car. It's there, you see it, but the rest of it is so sloppily put together that it just blurs into the overall experience. 

The special effects were laughable, obviously, and there was no care given to the zombies or the kills. They're gory, but you can see the cracks almost immediately and it becomes so bad that it's a little entertaining. Yes, say what you want about Uwe Boll movies, but they have a very crude charm about them. It will give you what you want if you're looking for so-bad-it's-good material. This movie became something of a phantom among both video game and zombie movies. It even earned a half-hearted sequel that technically wasn't a sequel. It fizzled out without a care and even Boll seemed disinterested with doing anything else with it. You can obviously see the passion in this movie was not there. It is so flat, they may as well have been a cardboard cutout puppet show. You don't care about the plot and you don't care about the characters, you just want Boll to get to the point and then that comes and goes with no impact at all. It ends in total Virtua Zombie Despair.

Doomverse #31 - Neptune Top 7 Quake Games

Next on the Saturn Month of Neptune SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!!!!! We have Quake! Lot's and lot's of Quake! We're celebrating a game where the horror is how much death and gore you lay on unsuspecting monsters and Lovecraftian entities with death and violence! There is just so much QUAKE!!!

Is that too much Quake for you?! Well, this is Doomverse and we got Quake coming out the cracks in the ground like bullet storms! Quake is nothing less than a legendary game series, even if all of the games didn't really cuddle up very close with their lore. It's all Quake, though, and it's all basically the most awesome thing there is. Do not be alarmed, we're not here to blow you up with Quad Damage, nor are we going to sneak up on you with INVISIBILITY! Plasma Rifles, however... just follow us into the rusty metal castle and get your super shotgun!!!

7. Quake Champions

Let's face it, if it's Quake, there is some level of awesome to it, and Champions is up there, but not especially high. It attempts to bring back the magic of Quake 3 Arena and this site has been known to give it a jab, but after playing it with real players who are awesome, it showed the highlights within the gameplay. The special abilities were fun to use, so a few of them were well tested. Doomguy gets Berserk where he pummels with his fist for real damage, while BJ gets dual wielding for double damage. In following with Quake 3 trend, there is also an appearance from Slash and Visor, who has the ability to temporarily see through walls. Sadly, though, all of these characters except for RANGER are all pay to play, as Champions is now Free to Play. It's a mixed bag, which didn't pan out in its favor. It didn't last long, but there is some fun to be had. 

6. Quake 4

A sequel to Quake 2 that the franchise kind of needed. Raven Studios, God rest the company of those pioneers, brought about a gruesome look at warfare and showed you how you could mow down Stroggs in some brand new graphics for the time. It also brought about a more story heavy gameplay that didn't get in the way too much, and also helped to hype up how important you were to the war effort, especially when you [SPOILER] BECOME a Strogg when they fuse metal parts to your body, but fail to brainwash you. So, now you're going through worlds and blasting away horrific cyborgs that become more and more difficult to deal with. While some sections of the game, especially the vehicle sections, are long and outstay their welcome, there is also a problem with how the levels are detailed. They look so samey sometimes and it becomes a little annoying trying to find your way, especially when everything looks exactly the same. Beyond that, though, this game is an awesome ride, while also being a gory, glorious mess. It is, indeed, Quake!

5. Quake 2

In keeping with the awesome but flawed trend going, Quake 2 is so fun to play in multiplayer, and its story mode is just a mix of partially empty levels to big bombastic metal munching Strogg grindfests. Quake 2 brought a different look and feel to the franchise because it wasn't meant to be a sequel to begin with. It did, however, bring about an amazing arsenal with some AMAZING chaingun trauma! The new monsters are fun to take down, especially the ones you need to use explosives and lightning to take out before they blast you a good one! Those bulky cyborgs pack a punch and you'd better be able to hit them with a rocket or spray some bullets in speed mode, or you'll find yourself loading a save point. Quake 2 may be a bit low on this list, but there is a decent reason for it. 

4. Quake 2 N64

This is a completely different game from Quake 2 for the PC, and somehow, it became a favorite. The levels are completely different, the plot is completely different, even if you are still Bitterman fighting the Strogg. You find yourself in different types of situations, like there are more bridges, and more open areas framed with tighter corridors. It is, however, also more linear than Quake 2, and thus more accessible to skills and navigation. This port of the game was brought about, clearly, with more limitations, but that didn't stop it from looking great in the 64 era. You could do worse than try this out along with the Quake 2 on Steam which was upgraded and included the port. Give it a shot.

3. QDoom

Yes, we're cheating a little bit, but this is very valid a choice, as it shows that the modding community can create something great and worthy to be put up with the rest of the series. Does this make any of the lower level Quakes any less awesome? Of course not! This was just such a great idea, playing Quake through the Doom levels, that it needed to be noted! We're waiting for them to get past Knee Deep in the Dead levels, and we're hoping that still happens, but for now, it's so amazing the way it is. Always remember to mix those Doom and Quake characters together throughout the whole thing first, it's a beautiful and horrifically challenging way to do it. Rip them open with Quake weapons!!!

2. Quake 3 Arena

Welcome to Quake 3 Arena! This game revolutionized Death Matching after Quake had already done so before. In 1999, this hit our Christmas presents like a comet! We were hooked on the gorgeous design, even if it did look a little desaturated, it was still awesome! Sure, we'd like some story, but ripping apart enemies through arena battles, both bots and humans, was amazing! The weapons are fast as they need to be, you need to be ready to use each and every single one of them to their fullest effect and you need to KEEP MOVING! You move so fast and you shred so hard, especially if you run out of ammo and need to use the circular saw! Humiliation!

1. Quake 

We hold Quake in such high regard because Death Matching was made that much more awesome. It paved the way for Unreal, Half-life, Bioshock, pretty much any FPS that is in full 3D, Quake made it possible in a brand new way. It's fast, it's iconic and you always remember that Nine Inch Nails soundtrack and Trent Reznor even voicing Ranger, the game's protagonist. The weapons took Doom's arsenal and customized it for its own. The nail gun became an icon all its own, much like the BFG did for Doom and it also comes with the Super Shotgun! That's right, it brought the Super Shotgun to the 3D world and it loses none of its kick and meaty sound. This is where 3D games had their high point of evolution and it all started with Id Software's brilliance and sweat. The dedication is clear on the screen and a million fans are thankful for it. Rock and Tear! 

James Gunn's DCU Faceplanted at the Start

It is infuriating being a fan of any large franchise at this point. There are so many properties coming out today that many of us feel like we can do far better. Whether that is true or not is not the point. The point is, James Gunn got one of the greatest toyboxes in history and he pulled out some of the most mind boggling action figures and made them start puking all over each other. It is flat out exhausting to try and follow these storylines and try to put all of these ideas together in some sort of cohesive series. Here we are seeing Gunn fire Henry Cavill only to replace him and then take DC in the most sporadic, random directions he could apparently think of. 

This is no real surprise, given how he handled The Suicide Squad. Call that movie what you want, but it did not scream "I can make DC movies better!" Then he gave us a bit of a dud in the ways of yet another Suicide Squad. It was named Creature Commandos, but let's be real here. So, he basically thought he could Guardians of the Galaxy the DCU and just pull C characters out of nowhere. This way no one would care what sort of character he makes them. Yeah, news flash, it didn't work. 

He apparently wanted his own Supergirl as well. Superman didn't do great in theaters but it did well enough to at least look like it did well. The real problem with this was he already gave us a sneak peek at this new Supergirl. The line "thanks for watching my dog, bitch" immediately told me that I didn't want to watch her movie. This was the correct instinct. Supergirl turned out to be one of the ugliest, grimiest, most morally backwards movies ever created. It wasn't good and it bombed at the box office. 

Creature Commandos didn't do anything on HBO Max but.... Yeah, animated movies mean literally nothing to cinematic universes. Well, News Flash: There are an entire plethora of animated DC movies that are infinitely better than anything Gunn has made, animated or not. Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, JL: Doom, Superman vs Doomsday, Son of Batman, Batman vs Robin, all of these movies were varying in actual quality, but all of them are multiple times better than Lanterns and Creature Commandos. This was coming off of the Snyderverse. It wasn't terrible, but it certainly made a lot of mistakes and did not end well at all. This could have been the opportunity to pick up the torch and bring back Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and THEN maybe try a Supergirl. Nope! Green Lantern gets a terrible haircut, a TERRIBLE TV series written by the same hack as the Watchman TV Series, then they come out and tell us Clay Face is on the horizon. 

James Gunn was not the right one for the job. Let's call a chicken a chicken and stop tip toeing around the issue. This is the same guy who wrote the first two Scooby Doo live action films! That should have been enough of a clue that he only got success from having the right movie at the right time. Guardians of the Galaxy killed his career in the long run. He tried so hard, over and over again, to redo that formula that got him so much praise in 2014. While we're waiting for the next big Batman and Superman team up done correctly, he's off in left field trying to have John Stewart tell us why we're all racists. They didn't want a superhero universe, he wanted a circus that he can change around at his own whim. He wanted all of his own characters in the spotlight and he wanted a free ticket to change whatever he wanted when he wanted. 

It was this thinking that destroyed Supergirl and made Superman a complete and total mess. Superman was good, but it was NOT the bombastic start of a cinematic universe. Once again, they tried to set up so many heroes, tried to tell us that these heroes are right here along with Superman, but it doesn't work in ONE SINGLE film! Green Lantern was a better cinematic start than this! Ryan Reynolds has buried that role, along with the Origins Deadpool, but it is still less of a disjointed mess than what we are getting with whatever this DCU is supposed to be. Gunn was so worried about the comparisons he had with Snyder, when he should have been concentrating on making an awesome Superman movie, then throwing out the cast for a new Batman and Wonder Woman. A true fan would have been finding a way to bring the true Justice League together in a sound, story-driven way, so it's pretty obvious that he was just in it for the money. That's all it's ever about, the money. Well, their problem is that they don't know what fans know and they will never relate as a result. They built all of this on the promise that it would be better than the DCEU, better than the MCU, but it has delivered nothing and promises to continue thusly. Gunn, you were handed the keys to the kingdom and they are rightfully going to be taken away. Maybe eat some crow and wash it down with some water.