3 Dirty Dwarves - Healthy Punches

When you want a unique title for the Saturn and just want to wail on something with improvised weapons, look no further than Three Dirty Dwarves. This is one of the stranger games on the Sega Saturn for many reasons. For one, it’s a Sega Saturn exclusive for no discernable reason. In fact, Segasoft planned to port it to the Playstation, it simply never happened. Then comes the fact that it is a 2D beatem up with varied 3-Dimensional qualities scattered throughout. Then there comes the real kicker, it’s just plain bananas, crackers and nuts!

We follow three very strange dwarves as they travel the city, beating the snot out of random foes in a roleplaying game that comes to the real world. The roleplaying game is controlled by genius children and they use the dwarves to try and find them to rescue them but the monsters and enemies also come to the wor--look, it’s just a very strange setting and plot. Suffice to say that you’re beating things up. There are things from giant trolls covered in dogs to buildings with legs that jump high into the sky to try and land on you. It’s very strange in just about every way.

The gameplay is unique in that you only control one of the dwarves at a time. You have the ability to swap between the dwarves at will to use their various attack styles. Some are faster with less damage and slower with more, and so on and so forth. However, then there are the lives system, which is very strange all on its own. You gain lives and build them up across the level (the three-life pickup is a 20-sided dice for all of the rpg players out there) but if you run out of lives, your dwarves get knocked out on the first hit. Once they are knocked unconscious, though, all you have to do is hit them to revive them. As they get hit, you can just keep bringing them up, but once all three are knocked out, you restart the current level. 

The hit detection is probably one of the low points of the game, as you have a bit of a hard time lining up the ranged shots as well as getting a bead on the melee hits. This, of course, is easily overcome with practice and getting a feel for the overall gameplay. Your attacks get a bit tedious with the delay once you hit the button, and turning can also be delayed, which can be a problem when there are multiple enemies on the screen. Yeah, like any other beatem up, this is not new. Again, it’s easily overcome.

There has been a lot of talk about the graphics and the art style during the cutscenes, though. They are said to be too gritty and crude in their outlook, and yeah, they are. Well, folks, that was the point. The artwork is very reminiscent of early Nickelodeon or MTV cartoons in the 90’s and in that form, it pulls it off exceedingly well. I was never able to track down any real info on the artists, other than a few of their other works, but their style is dead-on to what it tried to emulate. 

The real problem with the game lies in its repetitive nature, much like any other beatem up. Yes, it has character for days and it also has a lot of its own qualities that sets it apart. However, it also reuses a lot of the same mechanics throughout each level just a few too many times in some cases. Some of the levels seem like they go on for just a bit too long. This, however, is definitely not a deal breaker.

The characters and the outlandish qualities are really what sell this title. The funny, absurd qualities do not let up throughout the whole thing and most importantly, it’s a lot of fun. If you love beatem ups and don’t feel like playing the usual gathering, give this one a second look. Just remember to hydrate your dwarves.

Rise 2: Resurrection (Saturn) - Lame - o - Tron

It comes as no surprise that the success of Mortal Kombat and the relative ease of creating fighting game would lead to a great deal of MK Klones coming out of the woodworks. Well, the Sega Saturn was no different in this regard. Although, it made up for this by porting a good deal of Mortal Kombat games itself. Well, unfortunately, this led a small development company called Mirage Media to create what is known as one of the worst games of the fifth generation. Rise 2: Resurrection was published by Acclaim (it’s no wonder they went belly up after publishing trash like this and The Crow).

This game is just eye gougingly horrid to look at in both its character designs, graphics, backgrounds and movement. Everything they do on the screen looks like it was made by low-grade claymation and their design makes it hard to follow what they’re doing in the first place. Even when they’re a humanoid form, you have to squint to see what is going on with the screen.

Speaking of the characters, how would you like to play as a robot named “Crusher” or “Loader”? There’s even a gorilla like character named “Prime-8”... Get it?! Seriously, whoever thought of these names must have taken the most generic machine-like things they could find and slap a generic label on them in a hurry. The mediocrity doesn’t stop there, it sloshes down into enhanced stupidity very quickly when you learn that the main bad guy’s name is “Supervisor”! I understand that your boss at your work may be kind of an ass, but to name their title as the antagonist of a video game is just not worth it.

What makes this game dip way below average is the fighting mechanics and the A.I. Both of which are criminally underplayed. The opponents you face seem to be button mashing right along with you and for good reason. The only real way to win without going deep into craptastic territory is to spam. Just spam and don’t worry about learning any of the moves, they are not worth the effort. The controls are beyond janky and awkward. You would be hard pressed to find any comfortable way of performing the special moves or combos.

Let’s not forget the “Finish Him” moments as well. It wouldn’t be a proper Mortal Kombat Klone without them. This is a real hoot. They’re called “Executions” and they happen within the span of two frame rates, then they’re done. Every single execution I saw performed were done in a flash, and ended up melting my robot down into a slurry. So, if there’s any execution moves that don’t make your character into a puddle, none were witnessed, and there were around five or six.

This game is an all around abysmal experience. If you really want to play the best version of a robot fighting game, just play as Cyrax, Smoke and Sector in MK and spam the rocket, spear and net attacks. I promise, you will have more fun with that than you will with the “Rise of the Robots 2”. They couldn’t even make the title remotely interesting. They even added the most generic subtitle since Endgame. That’s right, you heard what I said! Fight me… just not in this game.