If you want to know Duke Nukem, obviously it all began way back when computers were awesome and low tech as hell! A lot of people will point to Duke Nukem 3D as the first game, but there are two that predate 3D. Hence, the name, 3D. Duke Nukem 1 and 2 were made by Apogee as a platformer for DOS. Duke Nukem 3D was also made for DOS, much like Doom or Wolfenstein 3D. While they are not known as well today, they were very well received and sported some impressive graphics and gameplay for the time. The colors, the action and the character himself were looked upon fondly by many fans.
We would have loved a followup in the mainline, you know, like the one we were told was coming very soon. Manhattan Project was a wonderful return to form for both Duke and platforming in his games, so we thought Duke Nukem Forever was going to be the most awesome thing since sliced bread. The trailer looked awesome, the stage was set and we were ready to be blown away.
Silence. So much silence followed. Then they kept bringing it back and telling people it would be finished when it was finished. We later found out that their lead designer at Apogee, then renamed 3D Realms, kept trying to latch onto new and exciting technology. To say that this mirrored a very prominent game of the time that rhymes with schmyschmatana would be a gross understatement. The difference between John Romero and this project, however, was he found a road and kept chugging. George Broussard kept wanting newer and newer technology and he kept hitting the reset button on the development as a result.
What we got after over a DECADE of development, being passed from 3D Realm to Gearbox and Randy Pitchford, was rather disheartening to say the very least. This is coming from someone who was hit the hardest, a Duke Nukem fan from Duke Nukem 3D who waited for its development, bought it immediately as it came out and saw what came of it. The wait was definitely not worth it and 2011 was darkened as a result. Okay, not quite that bad, but there are clear problems.
The humor and the storyline are disgusting and that is not just from being offensive. The horrible treatment of women and the alien references from other franchises is uncomfortable enough. Duke Nukem Forever cranks that up to 11 and makes you want to slap whoevers idea that is COUGHRANDYCOUGH!!!
All of that aside, it is a dreary, boring experience as you go through these very uninspired level designs. The biggest red flag that came first was when the game shrunk you and put a platformer in shelves! This is like Half-life if you gained distance by inches. It is astounding what they did in service of slowing down the pace of literally EVERYTHING in this game. To heal yourself, you could have gone with medkits, but no, you go with ego. Yes, ego is a meter that can be filled by having fun in some way or just relaxing with a beer.
The game either goes the exact wrong way and puts you in a side mission with no aliens, or it goes the other route, gives you infinite ammo reloads and pits you against a horde of enemies. The game had no pace whatsoever. Put that alongside a nonsensical storyline with horrible characters and you're looking at a lot of why Duke Nukem Forever failed. By the time we got to the giant monster truck that's super big and compensating, I'd checked out of this game. It put its best boss battle at the beginning of the game, had a stupidly perverted and disgusting boss battle in the middle and then it basically didn't bother with the last one. You've got another stadium boss battle at the very end and it's just not worth it.
The highlights of this game are scarce. The graphics are nothing to write home about, but they don't hinder the experience. It's the load times that hinder the experience down to a very skulking crawl. There's really no other way to explain it than just keep bringing up the pacing over and over again. The developers kept adding weight after weight to the experience and creating more and more boring parts of the game. It is a chore to keep up with it.
There are parts where the gunfighting and alien bashing are reminiscent of Duke Nukem 3D and when it's actually trying to be like the classics, it can pull it off. It just doesn't, though, it was so focused on nonsensical gimmicks and a storyline that no one was even following in the first place. It gets so old to see yet another woman who is willing to whore herself out to Duke, even outright hitting on him and making vagina jokes in front of their kids who want his autograph. The thin line of dignity and decency had been crossed long ago with the bathroom "minigames" but really, there is a limit.
Once again, it wasn't worth the wait and since its release, we've gotten a demo of the original Duke Nukem Forever. If the opportunity presents itself, there may be some of those games reviewed here in the future. If you're really looking for a good follow-up to Duke Nukem 3D (amid its seemingly endless expansions) then give Duke Nukem Manhattan Project a try. It is a platformer and the mechanics are grossly different, but it certainly knows what it wants to be. That's more than can be said about this abomination. This review is taking out a lot of hate on this game because I am one of the schmucks that paid full price for its original release. That got me the experience of disappointment, but at least there was no more money spent when I played it for this review. Has it aged well at all? Not even slightly. Do I need some water? I could use some.
