The House of the Dead (2003) - Zombie Brain Garbage

We're kicking off the Season of Planet Virtua SPEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWKIES 2026 with another movie that's so bad it's SCARY... and funny. Make sure to make this Halloween a great one and get ready for Planet Virtua's greatest SPOOOOOOOOOOOOKY yet! 

 So, after we've already covered Uwe Boll as a director, let's see one of the bigger lumps of garbage in his can. The House of the Dead was a very popular arcade game, and still has a nice cult following by retro gaming enthusiasts, so a movie or a TV series was not too far of a stretch to think about. The problem was that Sega not only allowed their logo all over a rave happening on a random island where everyone basically gets massacred by zombies, but also apparently gave Boll full creative freedom to make this movie and it shows. This is among one of the worst zombie movies and even worst video game movies for a myriad of reasons. It all begins with some of the worst "main characters" you'll ever see on screen in your life. 

It starts with narration... yes, one of the main characters narrates and tells us about the group of friends he runs with. Guess what? Literally none of it is important or ever comes up again, so this was all a big wasted effort. They come to the island for the rave party with SEGA's full endorsement all over it. To say that the acting is bad would be like saying a desert can get rather toasty. One thing you'll learn about Uwe Boll films is that he does not know nor does he care about the aspect of acting in his films. Even horror movie veteran, Clint Howard, was a terribly implimented aspect that could have been left out with no consequences. Sure, he's one of the more entertaining aspects with his terrible acting and nonsensical choices, but it really comes to nothing.

One character that revereses this dynamic was a sea captain who decides to become a badass halfway through the movie. He gives no shits about the plot, nor does he show any fear before he starts gunning down zombies left and right. All of the characters shoot zombies in this film. If they had more than four lines in the runtime, they at least kill a couple of them before they gets mowed down. The extras and the more minor roles in the film were given no care before they blurt out their lines and then methodically slaughtered. 

Not a single care was given to linking this horrific film (not horror film) to the games. The agents from the game show up somewhere near the end and there's some plot about a zombie doctor creating more zombies, but it is so glossed over, it is more background noise in this very loud movie. An Uwe Boll plot in his movies is like a fifth wheel on a broken down car. It's there, you see it, but the rest of it is so sloppily put together that it just blurs into the overall experience. 

The special effects were laughable, obviously, and there was no care given to the zombies or the kills. They're gory, but you can see the cracks almost immediately and it becomes so bad that it's a little entertaining. Yes, say what you want about Uwe Boll movies, but they have a very crude charm about them. It will give you what you want if you're looking for so-bad-it's-good material. This movie became something of a phantom among both video game and zombie movies. It even earned a half-hearted sequel that technically wasn't a sequel. It fizzled out without a care and even Boll seemed disinterested with doing anything else with it. You can obviously see the passion in this movie was not there. It is so flat, they may as well have been a cardboard cutout puppet show. You don't care about the plot and you don't care about the characters, you just want Boll to get to the point and then that comes and goes with no impact at all. It ends in total Virtua Zombie Despair.

Doomverse #31 - Neptune Top 7 Quake Games

Next on the Saturn Month of Neptune SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIES!!!!!! We have Quake! Lot's and lot's of Quake! We're celebrating a game where the horror is how much death and gore you lay on unsuspecting monsters and Lovecraftian entities with death and violence! There is just so much QUAKE!!!

Is that too much Quake for you?! Well, this is Doomverse and we got Quake coming out the cracks in the ground like bullet storms! Quake is nothing less than a legendary game series, even if all of the games didn't really cuddle up very close with their lore. It's all Quake, though, and it's all basically the most awesome thing there is. Do not be alarmed, we're not here to blow you up with Quad Damage, nor are we going to sneak up on you with INVISIBILITY! Plasma Rifles, however... just follow us into the rusty metal castle and get your super shotgun!!!

7. Quake Champions

Let's face it, if it's Quake, there is some level of awesome to it, and Champions is up there, but not especially high. It attempts to bring back the magic of Quake 3 Arena and this site has been known to give it a jab, but after playing it with real players who are awesome, it showed the highlights within the gameplay. The special abilities were fun to use, so a few of them were well tested. Doomguy gets Berserk where he pummels with his fist for real damage, while BJ gets dual wielding for double damage. In following with Quake 3 trend, there is also an appearance from Slash and Visor, who has the ability to temporarily see through walls. Sadly, though, all of these characters except for RANGER are all pay to play, as Champions is now Free to Play. It's a mixed bag, which didn't pan out in its favor. It didn't last long, but there is some fun to be had. 

6. Quake 4

A sequel to Quake 2 that the franchise kind of needed. Raven Studios, God rest the company of those pioneers, brought about a gruesome look at warfare and showed you how you could mow down Stroggs in some brand new graphics for the time. It also brought about a more story heavy gameplay that didn't get in the way too much, and also helped to hype up how important you were to the war effort, especially when you [SPOILER] BECOME a Strogg when they fuse metal parts to your body, but fail to brainwash you. So, now you're going through worlds and blasting away horrific cyborgs that become more and more difficult to deal with. While some sections of the game, especially the vehicle sections, are long and outstay their welcome, there is also a problem with how the levels are detailed. They look so samey sometimes and it becomes a little annoying trying to find your way, especially when everything looks exactly the same. Beyond that, though, this game is an awesome ride, while also being a gory, glorious mess. It is, indeed, Quake!

5. Quake 2

In keeping with the awesome but flawed trend going, Quake 2 is so fun to play in multiplayer, and its story mode is just a mix of partially empty levels to big bombastic metal munching Strogg grindfests. Quake 2 brought a different look and feel to the franchise because it wasn't meant to be a sequel to begin with. It did, however, bring about an amazing arsenal with some AMAZING chaingun trauma! The new monsters are fun to take down, especially the ones you need to use explosives and lightning to take out before they blast you a good one! Those bulky cyborgs pack a punch and you'd better be able to hit them with a rocket or spray some bullets in speed mode, or you'll find yourself loading a save point. Quake 2 may be a bit low on this list, but there is a decent reason for it. 

4. Quake 2 N64

This is a completely different game from Quake 2 for the PC, and somehow, it became a favorite. The levels are completely different, the plot is completely different, even if you are still Bitterman fighting the Strogg. You find yourself in different types of situations, like there are more bridges, and more open areas framed with tighter corridors. It is, however, also more linear than Quake 2, and thus more accessible to skills and navigation. This port of the game was brought about, clearly, with more limitations, but that didn't stop it from looking great in the 64 era. You could do worse than try this out along with the Quake 2 on Steam which was upgraded and included the port. Give it a shot.

3. QDoom

Yes, we're cheating a little bit, but this is very valid a choice, as it shows that the modding community can create something great and worthy to be put up with the rest of the series. Does this make any of the lower level Quakes any less awesome? Of course not! This was just such a great idea, playing Quake through the Doom levels, that it needed to be noted! We're waiting for them to get past Knee Deep in the Dead levels, and we're hoping that still happens, but for now, it's so amazing the way it is. Always remember to mix those Doom and Quake characters together throughout the whole thing first, it's a beautiful and horrifically challenging way to do it. Rip them open with Quake weapons!!!

2. Quake 3 Arena

Welcome to Quake 3 Arena! This game revolutionized Death Matching after Quake had already done so before. In 1999, this hit our Christmas presents like a comet! We were hooked on the gorgeous design, even if it did look a little desaturated, it was still awesome! Sure, we'd like some story, but ripping apart enemies through arena battles, both bots and humans, was amazing! The weapons are fast as they need to be, you need to be ready to use each and every single one of them to their fullest effect and you need to KEEP MOVING! You move so fast and you shred so hard, especially if you run out of ammo and need to use the circular saw! Humiliation!

1. Quake 

We hold Quake in such high regard because Death Matching was made that much more awesome. It paved the way for Unreal, Half-life, Bioshock, pretty much any FPS that is in full 3D, Quake made it possible in a brand new way. It's fast, it's iconic and you always remember that Nine Inch Nails soundtrack and Trent Reznor even voicing Ranger, the game's protagonist. The weapons took Doom's arsenal and customized it for its own. The nail gun became an icon all its own, much like the BFG did for Doom and it also comes with the Super Shotgun! That's right, it brought the Super Shotgun to the 3D world and it loses none of its kick and meaty sound. This is where 3D games had their high point of evolution and it all started with Id Software's brilliance and sweat. The dedication is clear on the screen and a million fans are thankful for it. Rock and Tear!