Doomverse #20 - Top 10 Monstrous Creatures of Modern DOOM

 The new DOOM games have not fallen far from the greatness that was always DOOM! In some ways, they have risen from their predecessors and found new heights to reach. In some ways, they have become overly gimmicky and stuffed full of needless story. Either way, Doom is still great and part of that comes from the demons each of the games possess. If it weren't for this element in the new titles, they would not have the impact or keep the fanbase satiated. We're Doomsters, we need blood and guts and they need to come from zombies and demons! Here's a look at the best of the new demons that must be slain! 

Marauder

Depending on who you ask, these are either the greatest or the worst additions to the Doom roster. The Marauder was made as a boss, much like the Doom Hunter, but you start fighting them along with the mobs soon after. I do not love their mechanics, but I do love the lore that they were once Doom Marines, much like our favorite slayer. They not only use a very powerful axe attack, but they cannot be hit until they get a flashing green eye attack. You need to be faster than them and you need to also fend off their hell hound attack, which will flank you in a hurry as the Marauder attacks you. Since their implimentation, they have been powered down slightly. If you hit them hard enough after their green flashing eyes, then they will become momentarily dazed, allowing another attack. They're a mixed bag, but they do present an interesting challenge and it's nice to see what happens to Doom Marines after their souls are taken into the abyss.

Cyber Mancubus

When having a gigantic tiger-striped blubber demon with flamethrowers just wasn't enough. They had to upgrade those digusting things' armor and equip it with cyber acid technology that deals ridiculous amounts of damage. Why the idiots on Earth decided that equipping demons with more cyber tech was a good idea is beyond me. They seemed to love to just give them the guns to shoot them with and it's hilarious just how terrifyingly dangerous they tended to make them. The cyber mancubus would be a borderline mini-boss if they had a bit more armor, but a solid line of plasma rounds or three shots from the super shotgun will take care of this problem. Just stay out of their line of fire!

Hell Knights

These used to be Barons of Hell with less damage, HP and a recolor back in Classic Doom. In Doom 3, they got a makeover and a bit of a difference in presence. By Doom 4, they started jumping at you and smashing you with their powerful, brutish bodies. Their punches can power up for massive damage and they are still bullet sponges. Use your more powerful weapons, but not the explosives. They jump fast at you and one missile launcher attack at the wrong time could easily kill you.

The Summoner

When the Archvile was still in the nether, the Summoner came out of literally nowhere and started teleporting around the area. It not only summons lesser demons into the fight, it also fires off powerful energy projectiles that take off a decent chunk of your HP. They are bullet sponges of the worst kind, because they can be very hard to hit. Use the plasma rifle or anything more powerful than that. If you catch some other opponents in the blast, the BFG is preferable to taking random damage from random directions. Take them down as quick as possible with the chainsaw or the supershot gun if you can get close enough.

Whiplash

Doom Eternal brought us yet another slippery, fast bullet sponge opponent. Whiplashes send hard energy blasts at you from below, or just whip you when you're not paying attention. Taking these guys out with the chainsaw is preferable to trying to taking them down with an assault rifle or normal shotgun fire. Like the Summoner, these guys are hard to hit because they just won't stay still!

Doom Hunter

Heavy weapons from hell. This is their answer to the Doom Slayer as they equip it with missiles, a chainsaw, energy weapon and a plasma shield around its body. These guys are literal tanks and they come on hard! Once these guys started, they were bosses, then they became a double boss level, then they just became one of the mini-bosses with an entire horde of demons nipping at you at the same time. Use your most bombastic weapons: missiles, plasma rounds and ballista shots do the best against them and don't forget to keep moving! Circle straif at all times and kill them good!

Hellrazor

The snipers of the hell world. While they are capable of close combat, they prefer to run away from you and fire at you with a very powerful railgun. The hits are hard and they can be a little hard to kill. Just aim to keep up with them and keep on them with heavy fire. They're harder to kill than an imp, but not by a great deal. Try and catch them before they run to gain vantage on you. Sometimes, though, it's just best to hit them with their own medicine and snipe them from a distance.

Tyrant

The demon that screams "I am not a Cyberdemon"! When they redesigned the Cyberdemon for Doom 4, they basically couldn't use that character design anymore, nor could they reintroduce the Cyberdemon itself, so, enter the Tyrant. They are very hard to kill, they possess missiles and attack you from a distance. That doesn't mean they are weak close quarters. In fact, they are ridiculously strong, and they even have a resistance against rockets, much like the original iteration. Make these your priority targets! 

Fireborne Baron

The Fire Baron takes the concept of the Baron of Hell, covers them in flames and gives them daggers to stab you with. So, now, you have a Baron that things its a Hell Knight, covered in flames and coming at you with pointed things to jam into your optical orifices. These guys need to be taken down with a chaingun to keep them at bay and keep a good pressure on them. The Super Shotgun also repels them as they jump at you, but you need to keep moving and keep firing!

Icon of Sin

The Icon of Sin wins again. That's right, his recreation and the way they brought him back into Doom Eternal made him into a powerhouse of awesome! Not only is he more powerful than the Kahn Maykr, but she was even trying to keep him asleep to keep control over him. The Doom Slayer took that power away from her and unleashed him in order to destroy him. The Icon of Sin is the largest titan and you need to shoot every single part of his body in order to break his outer armor and his outer layer of skin. Once you have brought him down to a skeleton of gore, bring him down and you will prove that you are truly the ruler of Doom!

American Mcgee's Alice Series - The Nightmare Niche

The story of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland has existed in mainstream media for well over a hundred years and it is still considered one of the more popular tales. American Mcgee was obviously a huge fan of the story, and he decided to tell the story in his own very... unique way. While the story can get very excessively dark to an almost detrimental level, the atmosphere and the creativity on display cannot be ignored. After his departure from ID Software, Mcgee set out to fulfill one of his dreams. Alice was released in 2000 to extremely mixed reviews, but the game went on to be a very beloved cult classic. 

It tells the story of Alice after her house was burned down (the cause was retconned in the sequel for story reasons) and she was admitted to a mental institution. This is a very dark sequel to the original tale and it showed a very somber Wonderland as a result. The original characters from the book were made into very twisted versions through both nonplayer characters and boss battles. You're given a knife that is none other than the Vorpal Blade and you're also given several other types of weapons that have their own advantages such as throwing cards, a croquet mallet and even dice. 

While the graphics are quite crude by today's standards, it still served to show off the technology of the time. The ID Tech 3 is shown in great potential with such imaginative backdrops and very dynamic terrains, even water physics. This is also a very graphically violent game. Even if the characters aren't technically human, they still bleed quite a bit. You're able to sever limbs and even see some heads explode. 

Alice was a very difficult game. There are swimming sections and platforming that can be a little difficult, especially if you're using a keyboard rather than a controller. While the first installment was originally on the PC, it is far better with a controller, especially with some of the harder platforming sections where you have to fight both the enemies and some of the physics. 

Where the game really thrives, aside from the surrealistic atmosphere, is in its boss battles. While some of them have mechanics that can be hard to figure out, you are up against some of the more nightmarish creatures reimagined in very dark images. The Duchess is probably one of the more graphic reimagining through her extreme allergy to pepper which causes very violent repercussions. Nightmarish enemies can be seen through Tweedledee and Tweedledum in very uncanny proportions and even a chess piece in the Red King is eerie in his character design. 

The Queen of Hearts is the most infamous from this game, as she is seen with a mask on where the lips don't move when she speaks, giving her a bit more nightmare fuel with an already gruesome visage. She is the main antagonist and is rightfully the most difficult but also one of the more fun and fulfilling to defeat as a result. 

The first game was divisive among the public, but it garnered a very loyal following and was a brilliant precursor to an arguably more solid game in Alice: Madness Returns. With a much more powerful engine, Wonderland is brought back with a much broader appeal and more gruesome outlook. Alice returns to Wonderland, still feeling very guilty in having survived the fire while her family perished. The real problem that I had with this installment was the retconning it did in not only changing how the fire occurred, but also some of the darker themes it detailed in human trafficking and the implications it introduced in its main antagonist. 

The story aside, Alice is fleshed out a lot better as a character. While she is rather bitter toward the rest of the world, she still holds to a great integrity in holding onto what little of her child-like grace she still possesses in her midteens. She takes to the task of reviving Wonderland and taking up the Vorpal Blade once again when a dark, mysterious steam engine train rolls through the world, causing it to further decay along with Alice's sanity. 

While the first level details Wonderland in a more traditional sense with its corruption, the later levels also bring about different themes. There is a horrific rendition of Feudal Japan, complete with praying mantis samurais and cherry blossoms. There is also a very horrific world of dollhouses and an undersea levels where you need to bring oysters to a play for the Walrus and the Carpenter. Among these levels is the most beautiful of them in the Kingdom of Hearts, where you meet the new Queen. The card guards are zombified and there is a giant one who is nigh indestructible. 

The game is much more polished and graphically superior to the first title, but one very large gaping problem with the sequels that many agree are the lack of boss battles. The game seems to know this, as it attempts to tease one with a giant mech constructed by the Doormouse and Marsh Hare, but it breaks down before you even get any gameplay out of it. There is only one boss battle in the final level and that really is a shame. There are mini-bosses here and there in the form of the doll-headed enemies, which require a few extra maneuvers and breaking their shields.  

One element to the second game that is lauded by fans is the level progression in the form of teeth. Yes, collecting teeth allows you to upgrade your weaponry. You find more of these through secrets hidden within small doorways that require you grow small and explore more of the levels in secrets and out of the way paths that require extra perception on your part. The puzzles and some of the sidescrolling sections can be rather frustrating at times, especially in the Dollhouse and Asian themed sections.  

The dark themes of American Mcgee's Alice games can get to be a bit cumbersome, especially if you are not partial to child abuse and things that it entails. Sometimes, the game can lean a little heavily into these themes, especially when you start finding some of the darker memories and further into the plot. These have been cited as a detriment to the series, but they are not so heavily depicted. The game can get heavy handed with its story, but it also casts a deeper light on Alice's psychological trauma that she has had to endure. 

Where the game has always shined was its imaginative level design and very dark creatures born from the original story. The Cheshire Cat is also seen as an ally who offers you advice and clues as to how to progress. Many of the characters from the original tale can be seen throughout and while many of them meet gruesome deaths in the first game, many of them return for the sequel. The game makes you want to progress and stop the corruption of Alice's mental illness and repair what remains of her beautiful dream world. 

Sadly, the planned third installment, Alice Asylum, never came about aside from a great deal of lore elements and images made by American Mcgee himself. Throughout the 2010's, he attempted to regain the rights to the games in order to bring this to fruition, but he was unsuccessful and decided that it simply was not worth it. The games' followers tried very hard to help him regain the copyright to the title, but E.A. Games denied him and decided it was more important to sit on the property while it wasted away into obscurity because that's the gaming industry for you. If they weren't making any money off of it, then no one was going to enjoy it. Do I sound a little bitter? Yeah, I might be a bit. This was American Mcgee's creation and it just goes to show you that greed can be a true detriment to creativity. 

It would have been nice to see a spiritual successor to the series, much like Mega Man with Mighty Number N--- you know what, that's a bad example. Castlevania had Bloodstained and it brought about much of the same themes as the original series. Alice could have been made into a different character with a different type of world, but in the end, I can also understand why American became somewhat disolutioned with the notion after so long of fighting those greedy beaurocrats of the industry. It's really no wonder the gaming industry is in the state it's in with corporations having such a stranglehold on beloved franchises they're willing to let go to the wayside in favor of live service looter shooters with predatory loot crate systems. Creativity can birth monetary value much better than microtransactions and gambling addictions, but it also requires a lot more work and patience in order to do so. 

Alice is a sad tale in many respects and it would be nice to see a resurgence of the franchise, but it is also good that it went out on a high note with two very solid entries. You could do a lot worse than trying to find these two gems, but they are also part of a bygone era, so you'll need some old school systems like the Playstation 3 just for the second entry. The first entry is extensively hard to find now, even when it was coupled with Madness Returns in many of its iterations. These editions are expensive now, but if you're a big collector, they are worth a look if you're even mildly curious. It's a very dark story, but the game mechanics and creativity of the games themselves are worth a closer look. Walk into the dream world or look upon them with the looking glass. Virtua Cheshire Grin. 

10 Saturn Games that Saved the Day!

Allow me to take you back over the past few months. If you could allow me the subjective anecdote into my personal computer life, my desktop decided that it did not much like having a graphics card anymore and shed itself of it. To repair it would cost more than the system itself, so there came an upgrade in the form of a new PC. With my graphics card experiencing a slow death, my choice of games were especially limited when it came to the computer. So, of course, I turned to my classic games and the old pal, Mr. Saturn. With the higher graphics games buzzing funny colors, there came a basic gaming void in my life, so here we come to lean on the system I met when I was 10 years old.

Today, I'm here to tell you that my new computer stopped working as well. In fact, it just flat out broke twice in the two months since I have purchased it, and I just got it back. The thought of it going out again is very possible, but once again, these are the top games that got me through this ridiculous barrier of broken first world problems.

                                                                                                Doom

No, I did not stutter and you are not blind. The Sega Saturn version of Doom is, by far, one of the most overlooked ports of this legendary game. This is for good reason, but I do not care. There's still plenty to love here. There was enough play here to where the first seven or eight levels weren't so bad with Doom 2, which is accessible from the start. The cheats, along with the mild annoyance in controls and framerate make this a pretty great distraction. Using the Super Shotgun in every single level of Doom. That is awesome! It doesn't matter if you can do that in other ports or not, I consider that a win! Bad reputation or not, this version of the game blasts big fat demon guts straight across Hell and back!

                                                                                                    Quake

The Saturn boasts two of the most influential First Person Shooters ever made. One was done not-so-well but still playable, this one was done with a level of quality that is still rather mysterious. By all accounts, Doom should have been the one to knock it out of the park and Quake should have been the misfire of the ages. For some reason, the two were swapped and Quake became one of the better ports. Quake is just a dark, gothic game that revolutionized the gaming industry with its fully rendered 3D mechanics that had never been seen before at the time. It's the same shooting and gibbing enemies, finding keys and getting lost in labyrinths, while also looking bad ass while doing it!

                                                                                        Virtua Fighter Kids

If you were looking for a reasonable explanation as to why, of all versions and iterations of the VF game, would I pick this one, I do not have one. For some reason, this one was just faster paced and simpler to deal with than the other titles in the series. There is a grand scale that Virtua Fighter stands on, because it was definitely a stand out in Sega's arsenal against Tekken. Virtua Fighter never floundered in quality and VFK was no slouch in the lineup. These kids are just adorable and it's a title that never forgets to have fun with its own concept.

                                                                                            House of the Dead

Sometimes, when you're feeling down or need to relieve some stress, there's nothing better than a simple game of shooting up zombies. There's something so deeply satisfying when you're unloading bullets into an already dead person who's still moving. This game may not be as good as its sequel, nor is this port as good as the arcade edition, but that literally means nothing to me. The fact that I can do this in the comfort of my own home while my computer is on the fritz is all that really matters in the long run. 

                                                                                           Sonic Jam

You can't put a price on the classics. Sure, you pay for them in order to bring them home a lot of the time, but you really can't put a price tag on something in order to make it great. That sort of thing is earned. Sonic Jam takes this concept and gives you the option of having all of that greatness in one package with a lot of extra content and easter eggs. You're welcome! The first three Sonic games will never go out of style. They are difficult, fast, and they have some of the most amazing soundtracks that you can bump on your boombox. The Sega Saturn was a wonderful home to this amazing trilogy, and it even had the courtesy to add a 3D Sonic walk-around called "Sonic World". Does it need to be there? Probably not, but we love it all the same.

                                                                                    Panzer Dragoon II: Zwei

Were you expecting different? I certainly hope not. While the RPG, Sagas is considered the better game, it does not have the casual "pick-me-up" quality that this game has. This game does not have the same need for investment of your time, nor does it take a great deal of brain-power to play. It's high-flying adventure and shoot'em up fun that's timeless and easily digested. That's not to say it's easy, this game is definitely not without its challenges, but that really doesn't matter when all you want is something fun and simple to occupy your brain.

                                                                                Warcraft II: The Dark Saga

I have iterated how lucky we are to have a Sega Saturn port of one of the greatest RTS games. While World of Warcraft still flings expansions at the public to stay afloat, WC2 needed just one and it was set. With ridiculous amounts of levels and obstacles, this game still stands firm on its own two feet and will gobble up hours of your time if you allow it to. Set up your defenses in your own town and build your armies to conquer the map before your opponents do the same. Strategize your units and deploy them accordingly, what could be more simple? 

                                                                                            Die Hard Trilogy

Really, you have a game that is basically three arcade experiences all in one. Why wouldn't you play it? Die Hard Trilogy seriously has the most mindless replayability at its core and there's no reason not to. Even if you're not that good at it and can't make it through the full game, you can always just try to beat your high score. If that element in gaming is too old fashioned for you then, by all means, try and beat them. Shoot through tons of criminals or drive through bombs, it's your show, after all! Just remember to quote the movies while you do it. Make sure to say the quote really loud to where your parents can hear.

                                                                                             Resident Evil

Somehow, I ended up with the Steam version, Gamecube version and Sega Saturn version of this game. Guess which one I play the most. People can complain all they want about the Saturn's graphics, but there's more to life than sharper detail. Killing zombies and bioweapons is still a jolly good bit of fun in this version. I didn't beat this game this time around but I got pretty far thanks to some gaming binge sessions. This is probably the game I played the most, but there is another game that just made me feel better all around. 

                                                                                    X-men vs Street Fighter

You really can't put a price tag on such an amazing game. The nostalgia for both the video games for SF and the comic books/TV show for X-men comes together so beautifully in this title. It's really no wonder why people consider it one of the greatest fighting games. I played pretty much the entire roster, played some 2-player and went through some of the arcade rounds. If you want to know how to spend time with friends, look no further. 

Get yourself X-men vs Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Virtua Fighter 2 and have a ball. All of these games I've mentioned really did give me something I kind of forgot the magic of for a moment there. Get someone close to you, it doesn't matter who and spend some time with them. That's definitely one thing I did with these titles and it surprised a lot of people how much fun they had. The fun factor is what really matters. Remember to share some fun with game time and don't forget to serve your guests some water.

X-men vs Street Fighter - Awesome + Awesome!

The arcades had a lot to offer back in the golden days of the Saturn. Three of those golden offerings was Virtua Fighter 2, Virtual On and X-men vs Street Fighter. There have been some monumental crossovers in the past but fans never knew how awesome it could truly get. After the stifling success of Street Fighter 2 and the wide acclaim of the X-men TV series, kids were ripe with excitement for the idea of a game that brought them both together. The fans were pleased with the results. While it is not perfect in its mechanics, it brought about an awesome experience for all to see. There were not enough quarters in the world to satiate the onlooking public.

A console port was a natural response to its success and as Sega Saturn fans, we got to have our cake and eat it too. Not only was it an amazing port that stayed incredibly close to the arcade, but it was also the best console port of the game overall. Capcom had done it again. 

The graphics are glorious and beautiful. The character options were beyond expectations, harboring such favorites as Wolverine, Akuma and Magneto! All of the Street Fighter cast is on display with this game, while the Marvel hero cast is amazingly full as well. Beyond anything, it was a fan-pleasing roster. With a flashy collection of backgrounds and some eye candy ultimate moves, you are hard pressed to find any real fault in its aesthetics.

The real flaws in this game come with its balance issues. Storm is amazingly over powered and a bit of button mashing pretty much gets you through the game with very little difficulty. Juggernaut's reach makes him ridiculous in terms of an offensive. The best thing you can do is try not to be too cheap with these super powerful moves. This game has literally ended friendships as a result. 

Everything on display here is top notch. Despite its small wrinkles, it is beautiful. X-men vs Streetfighter would go on to bring Marvel Super Heroes, Marvel vs Capcom, Capcom vs SNK, and so many more. Marvel vs Capcom 2 on the Dreamcast is a beautiful successor of this game and we are more fortunate to have this among our libraries in the 32-bit era. Play responsibly, and Hadouken with care.

Mortal Kombat vs DC (PS3) - Bad Mix

 

When you get a fighting game, there are going to be certain expectations. This is true for any game, and fighting games has its own list of mechanics that we have come to take for granted. While this is going to be a different set of expectations than others, it is even MORE different when you throw in Mortal Kombat. What do you expect when you get a Mortal Kombat game? Well, a lot of those mechanics people came to expect from their normal MK game were pointedly absent when it came to the 8th title in the MK series and the first Nether Realms title that involved Detective Comics. 

The problem was that those expectations we came to were not in line with how DC wanted Superman and many of their main IP's to be depicted. You could probably show Deathstroke slicing someone into bits, but you most certainly would never see Superman punching someone into slush just to win a fight. This was true for most of the DC Superheroes, and there in lies the conflict of interests. Ed Boon thought that the combination of two such iconic properties would mix like a perfect stew of action and violence. Sadly, he probably should have gone with the Spawn Universe or even Valiant, because WB had different plans for their big fat comic book baby. 

This led to a game that was charitably described as bland and tasteless. In a play to try and get the best of both worlds, the opposite was achieved. You now had a cast of Kombat Kharacters that couldn't perform gory acts of dismemberment and you had a cast of comic book characters that were starting to grow more and more awkward to impliment into a fighting game. The fatalities and "Heroic Brutalities" were so lackluster, Armageddon's worst were suddenly starting to look a bit more misunderstood by comparison. 

To their credit, they at least tried with the Story Mode. The story was bonkers and probably wouldn't have worked all that well, even with a longer gestation period, given the source materials clashing so much. Seriously? Even MAXX would have been a better fit for this game, even Watchmen! With DC Superheroes being perceived as nigh deity status, their costumes, setting and outward mannerism did not go with MK, which was more based off of Asian folklore. Superman does not look like he belongs in a fighting temple with candles and monks. 

This led to extremely awkward interactions between the two groups. Joker was always a wildcard and it was fun to see how other characters handled him. He was also given some pretty decent jokes. Honestly, a slapstick parody game in the vain of Deadpool may have been more successful as an effort to push these two franchises together. As it stands, Shao Kahn and Darkseid's... Dark Kahn... just didn't mesh with audiences and turned out to be kind of a joke. The whole thing was that he wanted fighting. That's it. The fighting mashed the two realms together, somehow, and that's your plot. It's stupid and campy but it has become something of an entertaining and thoroughly funny inside joke between fans of both DC and MK. 

The fighting mechanics are not awful. They are also not great. This was still in that era of fighting games where 3D environments and breakable backgrounds were still trying to become more relevant to the fighting itself. There were some very strange, random mechanics like a button masher where you hit and they parry immediately. You even have a chance to switch places with someone before they fall on the way down from falling off platforms, because physics work that way for certain! Otherwise, it's a decent fighting game. It's not without its nitpicks, but overall, it is still skill-based and does its job. That's the problem, though, everything about this game "does its job", and that's about it. 

After you beat both sides of the storyline, which is a cool mechanic that should have been used more, there really isn't much to say about the game itself. The graphics were good enough that some of the assets were reused for Mortal Kombat 9 and the backgrounds were actually well made. There's a cool Wonder Woman background where the two realms are merging and it has a really cool half-world effect. The end! You can play 2-player and it's fine, but the game was just such a huge disappointment, especially after such a bombastic finale it was following up! This was the introduction into the new Playstation 3 for Mortal Kombat after a fairly successful run with the PS2. 

It was simply not what the fans wanted, but it was not without its large silver lining. It did show Boon that he needed to keep true to the franchise and he created Mortal Kombat 9 as a result. This also led to the creation of Injustice and let them break off into other games with other ways to impliment mechanics for the future titles. It also wasn't terrible, and was very playable. The story was stupid and camp, but that's also kind of what fans loved about it. It was a clumsy attempt, but it also wasn't without merit. You could give it a shot, or you could just watch both sides of the story mode for yourself on your social media of choice. The Fatalities and "Heroic Brutalities" are also worth a little look. Make the right choice and side with Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero doesn't give a crap!

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-li - Sinking Bird Kick

The line "this couldn't be as bad as the first one" was said by more than one of the audience. Every single one of them was wrong. This is one of the worst examples of extreme and blatant misunderstanding of the source material and misunderstanding of filmmaking in general. Every single character, save for Michael Clarke Duncan and Robin Shou, were all miscast. The leading lady was played by the same lady from the ill-fated TV show, Smallville as Lana Lang. 

Now, what did this movie get right? Not much, really. The only thing it really did was become a very good target for punchlines and several reviews on the internet. It also resides in many, many worst video game movie lists and worst movie lists and for very good reason. This movie mosies endlessly, and has the gall to give Chun-li a NARRATION. We are given details of her life that have no relevance to the plot. Her father is introduced in them and we see him fight, but then he is unceremoniously killed in the middle of the movie. Our leading lady barely reacts to this at all. Spoilers, by the way. 

You would think, of all things, that this movie would do its fight scenes well at the very least. You would be sorely and sourly mistaken. Wire-Fu barely begins to explain why these scenes failed in both choreography and any sort of believability. We're supposed to believe that a woman of near amateur martial arts skill can take down an entire gang in a huge city, catch the most Lucky Charms ridden, Irish bullshit M. Bison. When he learns about her, he tries to send Vega in for an assassination, but stupidly sent in one of the Black Eyed Peas by mistake. Seriously, why do people think that, because they are celebrities, they can do everything that other celebrities do? 

That sentiment goes double for any of the idiots who thought that the actor for Charlie was cool in any meaning of the word. When I first saw this movie, I recognized him vaguely, but his acting made him into someone else entirely. This did not mean he was delving into the role, he was delving into his squinting and rocker/surfer voice while also trying to maintain some sort of professionalism as a detective. He pulls off none of it. It was finally revealed that he was played by Chris Klein, an American Pie alumni. It is astounding how bad his acting has gotten or just how wrong he was for the part. It could have been both, along with complete misdirection. Honestly, that's a decent summary of the performances themselves. 

What really killed this movie was the dialogue and the characters. Not only do none of them even remotely resemble the video game characters and not only do we get M. Bison, Chun-li with no Guile, but we also get a movie that is SUPER bloody and gory. Mortal Kombat from the mid-90's had next to no blood in it and yet a Street Fighter movie can show a man getting his entire head twisted around? Seriously, this is a real point of contengiency for one very BRUTAL reason! M. Bison gets this horribly unneeded backstory (added to the many time wasting elements of the movie) where he takes his wife to a cave and performs a C Section on her with his hands! It's said that he put all of his innocence into the baby he TOOK from her and NONE of it plays any role in the rest of the film. 

He wants to find his daughter and... kill her or something, I don't remember. Either way, he is supposed to be void of any kind of moral compass because of this whole backstory. Yet, he didn't kill the baby when he had the chance and he very pointedly says, at the beginning of the film, that he would never hurt a little girl. He sends a very young Chun-li off to bed with a "sleep tight!" I'm sorry, where was the cold and heartless element again? He shows it to his henchmen but Neal McDonough is just such a wholesome, smooth actor! He was completely wrong for this role and that Irish accent is even worse than mine! This is not even touching on the whole side plot or main plot or whatever plot of him trying to buy some slums to make them rich people homes! Oh yes, the wasting of all the time knows no bounds!

There is no Raul Julia to marvel in his glorious overacting. There is no stupidly campy "All-American" JCVD Guile for us to poke fun at for being a dumb concept. It's all a dumb, over-inflated concept that tries, at the end, to tie into Street Fighter, as if it were going for a sequel. That was a decent joke, I will admit, but I'd try for one that wasn't so painfully untrue next time. There was no thought put into this movie on any front or, in some cases, entirely too much thought. This never registers as a Street Fighter movie, every single character is a mockery of a mockery, and as much as I absolutely love and miss Michael Clarke, he does nothing to save it. It's kind of amazing how he was barely even a match for the role, skill-set wise, and yet he did it so well in this and in Dare Devil as King Pin. Perhaps talent truly does outweigh just about everything else. Let us remember this movie for the funny reviews and blatant stupidity, then promptly forget it. Virtua what were we talking about?

Doomverse #19 - QDoom: Knee Deep in Chthon

Quake and Doom can never be overstated as titans in the gaming industry, especially the First Person Shooter genre. So, since both of them represent the height of their respective periods of graphics and gameplay, why not shove them both together and get the best of both worlds? Sounds testy, right? Well, not if the ones modding it know what they're doing. Well, they did know, obviously, and what we get is Doom levels with Quake gameplay and enemies from both! 

Does it all work out together perfectly? Not exactly, but it certainly gives you all of the good, gory gameplay parts you would want. The starter Quake shotgun still has its meaty feel when you fire it at your enemies and get a decent spread. You can use the Super Shotgun (double-barrel shotgun) on both enemies from Doom and Quake together! When you start the game, you can choose to have either one or both, and you want both! 

There is nothing more chaotic than a whole batch of enemies, monsters and demons coming at you with different AI and tactics to attack! Pinkies are coming to eat you while the Fiend is jumping at you even FASTER! With zombies throwing their meat and imps throwing slower and longer range fireballs with gunmen coming at you with different gunfire rates, it's a whole new ball game! Does this get rather difficult? Yes, yes it does. 

One big problem with this whole concept is that the ammo and monster ratio of the two games are entirely different. Quake came out back in the mid-90's, when computers couldn't handle quite as much as they can now, so monsters were limited in their numbers. This was not as true for Doom. Even though it was a smaller game, the monsters did not take up as much data, so you can be fighting far more. The guns needed more ammo in Doom, but now in QDoom, they have the weapons from Quake with less ammo but you are expected to take down far more. This means you need to start using your little hatchet a lot more in the starting levels, but you don't get as many weapons unless you get all of he secrets. So, basically, you need to be badass as Doomguy while being as strategic as Ranger. Shape up, Doom Marine! 

There are parts of this where you should have been able to jump into secrets, but were unable to jump in Doom. Well, now that you have the Quake jump ability, they flat out WALL OFF these areas. Darn, it was a good thought! A lot of these that don't affect the overall gameplay, and some of them let you jump, but don't count on it. Being able to do all of this while fighting the Cyberdemon sounds like an amazing experience, so let's all wait anxiously for the Shores of Hell mod. 

The only episode that is available, at the time of writing this, is the greatest episode, Knee Deep in the Dead. This entire episode was beautifully rendered as a Quake episode and playing through to the Bruiser Brothers is a joy once again! This is one of the single greatest Quake mods, making it a Doom mod by default! You can't ask for greatness like this and they offer the first episode for free. It says a lot that these modders are doing this for nothing and QDoom is planned to have more episodes in the future! Planet Virtua needs Doom Marines to take care of demon problems that may or may not exist, and this is just an awesome way to train your shotgun aim! Virtua Bang!

Dark Seed (Saturn) - You Put Weird in My Weird!

 

There come times in our lives when we truly never knew what to expect when we got into a game. The internet has said things about this game, but experiencing it for yourself is a trip and a half. If you enjoy Alex Grey or Salvador Dalí, then you may also enjoy the work of H.R. Giger. This is an artist who has a very distinct style that many have attempted, but few have successfully replicated. If you look closely, you will notice that his art has details upon details to a very minute degree. His art is very surrealistic and strange, and he is also the only reason anyone talks about Dark Seed to this day. 

It is very fortunate that I couldn't find the medicine that cures Mike of his headache. The entire first part of the game, he will complain of having a headache ad nauseum. He does not stop talking about this head ache and this review could have been three paragraphs long, had I not looked up a walkthrough very quickly. Apparently, the game cannot be played unless you read a walkthrough. Even watching a walkthrough for this game could make you miss very small details that you will need. Though, I did also watch walkthroughs on youtube for the English dub rather than the Japanese version I was playing on the Saturn.

This game is weird, creepy, and quite poorly made. It may be looked upon fondly for certain features, but the gameplay is quite distracting and drives a nail into its enjoyment factor. If you miss one single detail, or forget to put objects in certain places, then you will need to go and backtrack again and again! This is all under the clock, because you just so happened to have an alien fetus in your brain. In three days, and the game will keep close track, the alien will hatch and the horrific image of the alien hatching will rear its very disgusting head. Yes, this is really terrible gameplay, hence the walkthrough.

Mike has to be one of the worst characters you have the displeasure of controlling. His horrific dialogue grates against the ears. It can be rather hilarious in some cases. He is so awkward, and so are a lot of the townspeople, and sometimes that makes for some comedic scenes. Mike will talk to himself. This can be seen as a sign of brilliance, but it isn't and he does it entirely too much. His observations are really dumb, but did elicite a chortle at times. Some guy tells you that he wants to hang out with you once you buy a bottle of alcohol. This has the wonderful affect of him taking a drink of it and then walking away. The whole time, you were waiting to grab the stick he was throwing for his dog. 

Once you get to the Dark World, the artwork is rather impressively implimented. It obviously took a hit in quality, no matter what version of this game you play. Still, he was apparently happy with how it turned out and it does set a nice tone for its segments. That's not to say the game looks bad overall. As point-and-click games go, this one looks rather solid. It's clearly an older game and had a lot of limitations, but the developers obviously worked hard on it. The problem is that the Dark World, which is the most interesting part, is rarely in the game. Later in the story, it doesn't do a great deal to cure the slog that this game becomes. 

This is not a long game, nor is it a hard game if you know what items to get and what to do in each scene. Apparently, this was a very common problem for a lot of people. This calls into question, why is it on best horror games or point and click games? Apparently the development was something of a ridiculous maze of mice all going every which way, but either way, the end product doesn't justify it on any other list than, perhaps, the strangest. H.R. Giger's art is fascinating, though, and the world they portray really seems like it could have used some more exploring. While Dark Seed 2 does return to the world, H.R. Giger did not return with the artwork. That game is remembered for very different reasons. Either way, Planet Virtua stays away from the Dark World. Virtua Threat. 

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (PS2) - Professor Imps Attack!

 Everyone can probably agree that the first Harry Potter novel was more of a trial and error novel where JK Rowling was trying to find her footing in the genre and the world she was building. The story and the lore she was building was in its infancy and it took a few more novels to really grow what she wanted from the series itself. This game is a release on the PS2, given much better graphics and more fluid mechanics in comparison to its Playstation 1 counterpart. The first iteration of the Philosopher's stone (which it is properly titled) was more of a puzzle platformer and that's a lot of what we got here, but it has more development behind it. 

Keep this in mind, because there are still some rough areas in this game where there should have been a bit more thought. The mechanics have a good amount of thought when it comes to figuring out and exploring the world and the puzzles. When you play through the levels, you can look in different areas around where you're supposed to be puzzling to find extra items and even some collectibles. Instead of moving a huge cube into its place for the puzzle right away, you can push it to a shorter wall in order to jump on top of that wall to get some health power ups or even some chocolate frog cards.

The collectibles are probably the best part of this while also being one of the more annoying aspects. Yes, it's nice to have the chocolate frog cards, but do we really need to go straight into their history and/or text as soon as we collect them? The Berttie Bot's Beans are fun to collect as well, but do we need to know every single flavor your pick up as well as your reaction to said flavors? You pick them up and Harry will tell you what he thinks of them right away individually and there really aren't that many flavors to choose from. They're not only collectibles, but they're also the currency for which you pay for dung bombs and other useful items. 

This iteration of the game has its good points, like when you cast spells on imps in order to trap them in cages while also figuring out puzzles. However, the problem it has is with the extra mechanics that it adds to the game. The stealth in this game are rough to say the least. When you have to get around Percy Weasley to get to the Weasley item shop in a secret passage through the Gryffindor Dorms. Not that they could have done it in their own dorms, they had to do it in the Prefect Dorms! Whatever sense that makes is not important, I guess, but getting through this stealth section is not a matter of skill, it's a matter of luck because Percy will go anywhere and everywhere in this place and it's so easy for him to catch you. 

One part of the game that should have been better explained was the section where you catch Draco Malfoy on his broomstick. You're supposed to cut corners and catch him, and if you didn't know this beforehand, the game will not tell you anything. You can just keep chasing him and chasing him and chasing him and you'll seem like you're getting closer just like this but you never do. You have to maneuver around him as much as possible in order to catch him off guard. This is monotonous to say the least, because the game WILL NOT progress until you do and it's just a matter of figuring it out yourself. Once you figure out the mechanic, it's really not hard and you can ace it in no time, but the game really should be telling you these details. 

The levels have the problem of being too open and the game has a horrible habit of not telling you a single thing to do. The stage where you're supposed to find the potion ingredients in Hagrid's Hut leaves you to figure out everything for yourself. There's some things that you can figure out on your own, but really not a whole lot. Figuring out where to go and how to collect the plants is left up to luck because you just need to know how to approach everything and the luck of having to dodge the gnomes that gain in number the longer you're there. These sections can be especially long and boring while you're sitting there trying to determine where to go and what plants you need to collect.

The glitches are also on full display here. You can do parts of the Hagrid's Hut level by simply climbing one of the roots and getting behind the waterfall without the platforms and having no need to activate the gargoyle behind the bars. I also had a part of one level where I searched one of the boxes, but nothing happened. I got stuck in the box and was forced to load my last save. These glitches aren't horrible and they're not especially bad, but there are just so many time wasting elements in this game. The game sometimes doesn't outright tell you when you finish a mission and so you're going around the level to try and find anything else you can do until you figure out that you can check your book and it will tell you there.

The openness in this game is a strength as well as its most glaring weakness. Sometimes, it is alright to tell us where to go or tell us when a mission is done. On the other hand, though, before you do anything in your actual missions, you can search Hogwarts to get more beans and pumpkin pasties. The more health items you get while you're at full health, the more health meters you get. It's fun to explore Hogwarts, but it's not so fun when you don't know which doors to go through and searching for ways to go can become stale and overly time consuming. 

Overall, the game is a mixed bag, but it's a decent Harry Potter game. Like Berttie Bott's beans, there are good and bad elements to it and honestly, exploring the school can be a little more fun than simply going through the story mode itself. The graphics and gameplay are far better than the original PS1 iteration of Philosopher's Stone, but it also has a few elements that deserve a bit more explanation. It's a title worth checking out if you're a fan, but remember not to spend too much money on this. Save your Virtua Galleons.